Friday, March 11, 2011

Bizarro World Movie Reviews -- Red Riding Hood

Sometimes a movie comes along that shakes you to your core and necessitates underwear changes. Sometimes a movie challenges your perceptions and notions of the world. Sometimes your entire worldview is challenged by a single movie and you know that, now, everything will be different. Today's release of Red Riding Hood is all that and more. It is also an ancient story told through the filter of a post modern paradigm shift and no, I have no idea what that means but you know what? That doesn't make it any less true.

You knew ahead of time that Red Riding Hood would be something special. Why? It's directed by Catherine Hardwicke, the woman who directed Twilight. Now, Twilight was a horrible film. I mean absolutely godawful. It's the kind of movie H.P. Lovecraft would have described as, "Having risen from the deepest and foulest of the Stygian depths, it's very existence blasphemous and its very nature insane." The fact that Red Riding Hood and Twilight were directed by the same person can mean only one thing. Catherine Hardwicke is due for a win. She learned everything there was to learn about making a horrible movie from Twilight and has now learned from her mistakes so that she can now make a movie that is not only not bad but also kicks bad in the balls and takes its lunch money. Red Riding Hood is Catherine Hardwicke's redemption, her transformation and her apology to the world.

I really don't see how you could possibly go wrong in taking the centuries old folk tale of a little girl who encounters a wolf in the forest and turning it into the story of a sexy young woman who has hot sex with some equally pretty boy in the forest. When I heard this, I thought of only one thing. They must add a werewolf. A werewolf is the one thing that could possibly save and elevate this story into the heights of film making greatness. If this new version of Red Riding Hood doesn't contain a werewolf, they may as well just film Catherine Hardwicke taking a crap and show that in theaters because it will basically be the same thing. Luckily, the makers of this movie somehow heard me because the main focus of the movie is werewolves, hot girls getting attacked by werewolves and hot girls possibly getting it on with werewolves. This is as if the Holy Trinity was tossed into the Perfect Storm and then the whole thing got deep fried into some sort of Mega Burrito of Awesomeness which assumes you into Heaven when you eat it. The best part of that is that, once you're in Heaven, you can spend all of eternity watching Red Riding Hood over and over.

You will either love Red Riding Hood or hate it bu, if you hate it, it means that you hate love, freedom, wolves, color, and your mom because I guarantee that your mom will love it. It's entirely possible that you're not even human but are a soulless lump of putrid goo given life when lighting struck you in the toxic waste site you were dumped in. If so, you should just go back there as there is no room for you in the modern Renaissance that is about to be ushered in by Red Riding Hood.

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