Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Anyone Else Got A Problem?

I had never heard of Bonnie Fuller until the day I read her Huffington Post article about the Miley Cyrus controversy where, according to conspiracy theorists, the 15 year old celebrity showed the world her shoulder in order to turn us all into pedophiles. (Did that happen? I haven't been paying attention.) In that article she asked, in all seriousness, these questions:
Is it OK to sexualize a fifteen-year-old if it is in the pages of a high falutin' magazine and her parents seem OK with it? Or is this really not much different from parents in a cult acquiescing to having their teen daughters wedded and bedded?

When I looked at that, I asked myself a question:
Are those questions so stupid that a person who thought that unicorns were stealing their underwear would look smart by comparison?

When the answer I came up with was, "Abso-freakin-lutely one million percent yes," I wrote my own article on the subject. The whole situation has since died down, society's fall failed to occur and I pretty much forgot all about it. Until I read this. Bonnie Fuller claims she stepped down willingly from her post as Editorial Director of American Media (they publish tabloids like Star and the Enquirer) but the general consensus is that she got fired. Speculation is rampant as to why. Some say it's because of her role in a scandal at UCLA Medical Center where her magazine illegally obtained Britney Spears' records. Others say she was just making too much money.

But come on, we all know it was because of my masterful smackdown. My minuscule readership spread the word that she was a moron and now she's lost her prestigious job and is now almost certainly giving blow jobs for crack. I imagine this is just the first step in my rise to power and that soon, people will live and die according to my whims. When I attain that level of power, I promise to use it wisely. Mostly, I'll be using it to have butt sex with Scarlett Johannson and to get a free iPod, so those of you who aren't Miss Johannson or sellers of iPods will have little to worry about.

Oh, it will also be legal to throw rocks at Bonnie Fuller and people who resemble her just in case it's her in disguise. You'll know who she is by watching her scream when a teenage girl walks by in a tank top and Bonnie screams when she sees their bare shoulders.

Digg!

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