A religious charlatan (Foley), his mild mannered nephew (Ward) and a gang of bosomy commandos face off against Osama bin Laden and the Taliban in an epic battle that will determine the fate of the world in POSTAL, the latest film from controversial director Uwe Boll (“BloodRayne”).
There are a few filmmakers on the planet who could have pulled off a movie like this with a crazy, potentially offensive plot and whose trailer includes a scene where the 9/11 hijackers are calling Osama bin Laden to scold him about the number of virgins they'll get when they die. Yeah, there are people who could have pulled this off, but instead of them, we get Uwe Boll. Uwe Fucking Boll. Don't know who Uwe Boll is? Hell, the plot synopsis actually brags the he directed Bloodrayne. Bloodrayne came out in the first week of 2005, prompting one critic to note that the worst movie of the year had actually come out in its first week. That movie is about a sexy female vampire doing...something. The plot is indecipherable and I honestly believe that you could have rearranged the scenes in any order you felt like and that no one would have noticed. It also has memorably embarrassing moments from the Ben Kingsley who, apparently, was tired of all the respect he gets from his peers.
And the best part is...Bloodrayne is Uwe Boll's BEST movie. Other titles in his oeuvre include In The Name Of The King, a movie just as bad as Bloodrayne but in a much blander way and Alone In The Dark, a monster movie where Boll used the innovative cinematic technique of making a movie so poorly lit that no one could see what the hell was going on*. He also made Bloodrayne 2 which somehow failed to get Ben Kingsley back.
Armed with that sort of movie making resume, Uwe Boll figured he was the guy who could pull off a movie where the destruction of the World Trade Center was played for laughs. Fortunately, there's a flower growing in this pile of crap:
Uwe Boll's latest "masterpiece" Postal was scheduled to open next weekend in 1500 theaters, deliberately going up against Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. But, according to a story at Cinema Blend, Boll's people issued a release this morning claiming that U.S. distributors have dropped the film and that it will only be released on four screens. An additional source says the film will open in five cities: New York, Los Angeles, Chicago, Denver and Tucson. Boll claims that he has even tried to rent additional screens, but to no avail.
Yep, that's right. Uwe Boll now joins Larry the Cable Guy in the pantheon of talentless douchebags who have been denied a wide release for their godawfully bad movies. The movie is so bad and offensive that, when he tried to offer people money to rent out their theaters, they said, "No thanks."
So, what's next for Uwe Boll? Ooh lookie, he's making Bloodrayne 3. I suppose this is being done under the theory that, since the other 2 were some of the worst movies ever made, the odds are now bound to change. Either that or no one involved in the project gives a damn and is just doing it for beer money.
*It also starred Tara Reid as an anthropologist. When asked in an interview what exactly an anthropologist was, she mumbled for a moment then confessed that she had no idea.
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