Wary Indiana

In 1999, I saw the first new Star Wars movie made in 16 years. I thought it was just the most awesomest thing I'd ever seen and wrote a review in which I awarded it 4 stars. In the years since, I have revised my opinion of The Phantom Menace and now find its emphasis on things like political dealings and parliamentary maneuvers as well as what seemed to be 87 hours of screen time given over to Jar Jar Binks to be dull and tedious. I suppose my experience with the movie was similar to that of a man coming out of the desert and being offered a glass of beet juice to quench his thirst. He'd probably think at the time that beet juice was the best drink ever and vow to drink nothing else for the rest of his life. In comparison, this was the first new Star Wars film since 1983 and yes, I'm a fan even though I recognize its flaws*. I saw Phantom Menace through the eyes of an excited fan who was feeling like he was a kid again, therefore I loved it.

This is why I'm wary** of the fact that I really liked Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. This movie has been getting bad buzz for months now. It was depressing to read yet another user review or forum post from someone who saw a test screening declaring that Crystal Skull either "sucks," "sux" or "suXX0rZ!!!!" Most of the professionally written early reviews also panned it (though the general consensus of film critics has been favorable since its release). So I wasn't expecting a great deal which allowed the film to exceed my expectations. That, along with me predisposition to loving anything that star Harrison Ford in a fedora dodging 500 year old poison darts in exotic locations (that's why I didn't like Regarding Henry, no fedora). I think, though, that my good opinion of the movie is genuine.

Crystal Skull opens in the year 1957. Russian agents kidnap Indy and his dumpy English sidekick so he can help them find something in Area 51, an skull-like object made out of crystal...OH MY GOD, I FINALLY UNDERSTAND THE TITLE. In the first 15 minutes, Indiana tracks down the skull, swings around on his whip from car to car while fighting the Russians (including Cate Blanchett's wonderfully hammy villain, Irina Spalko) and survives a nuclear explosion while managing to avoid becoming an irradiated mutant who gets super strong when he's mad.

You know, that's about all you need to know about the plot. I will say that some of the jokes poking fun at 1950s culture were excellent. I am extremely...wait for it...WARY about casting Shia LaBeouf as the unfortunately named Mutt Williams, someone who is probably being considered as the star of future sequels. First off, Mutt Williams? What happened, Spielberg? Didn't think other names like Gocart Smith or Goofball Thompson were stupid enough? I don't want to see movies with titles like Mutt Williams and the Wrath Of The Mumboolians. Also, it's hard to imagine Shia LaBeouf stepping into Harrison Ford's shoes. Ford is an actor of such talent and screen presence that he's been able to play two of cinema's most recognizable and iconic characters. Shia LaBeouf is best known as the guy who needed the help of giant alien robots to score with pretty girls. He was better than I thought he would be so we'll see.

You don't need me to tell you to go out and see Crystal Skull since it's record setting box office take means that you probably saw it before I did. Anyway, see you again in another 15 years or so when an 80 year old Harrison Ford makes Indiana Jones and the Bob Evans Buffet.


*For example, why is it that Jedi powers only work when it's convenient for the plot? Need to make a little ball float around to demonstrate the power of the Force? Cool, it worked. Need to knock some robots off your fighter ship because they're tearing it apart?? Better hope you remembered to charge your blaster because the Force will basically say, "Kiss my ass," and let the robots do whatever the hell they want.

** DING! Title achieved!