Ah, Dane Cook. Cook is a very popular comedian who, as far as I can tell, starts being funny whenever I'm not listening to him. I last wrote about Dane Cook when I reviewed his last star vehicle, Good Luck Chuck. That movie was capped off by a scene where a three-breasted woman watches a videotape where, to the apparent delight of Jessica Alba*, he gives oral sex to a toy penguin and no, I did not make up a single word of that. As you saw in the trailer for his new movie, Generic Title, Cook stretches as an actor in a scene where he gives oral sex to a burrito. At least with this one he's moved up to organic matter (unless it's a Taco Bell burrito).
So, other than that, why will Generic Title suck? First off, you have Jason Biggs, an actor who shares with Cook the distinction that he's had sex on screen with something that wasn't human. Somehow, he's managed to land Kate Hudson as his girlfriend and then completely blows it by moving too fast and asking her to move in with him after only knowing her for a few weeks. Biggs' character, Dustin, is most likely one of these A-holes you see on the internet in droves, the ones who come to every forum on the internet, no matter what the forum's topic, to bitch that women don't like nice guys. It could be Cheese-Lovers.com under the thread, "I Love Gouda," and one of these guys will show up to say, "You know who else liked gouda? My ex-girlfriend who left me for a guy who treats her like shit so this means that all women love getting treated like shit."
Anyway, we then see that Dustin is best friends with Cook's character, Tank. Why is he named Tank? I honestly believe that, if you broke everyone on the planet down to the cellular level, you wouldn't find a single human atom that gave a crap why he's named Tank although, knowing Cook, I'd bet every penny I have as well as every penny I ever will have that it has something to do with his penis. Tank apparently makes his living as a sick, hateful version of Will Smith's Hitch character. Instead of teaching men to behave in a way that pleases and excites women, Tank is hired to date a woman targetted by a man who supposedly likes her so he can behave like a complete jerk (a role that Dane Cook has shown in the past that he can play masterfully) and the woman will then run screaming back to the "nice guy" who unleashed this vicious little pig of a man on her in the first place. This all leads to Dustin deciding to make the woman he supposedly loves miserable by having Tank meet her, date her and destroy her so that she'll need a "nice guy" like Dustin to pick up the pieces of her shattered life.
Had Dustin bothered to get to know her better, he'd have known that this plan would not work. Not because it's ludicrous on the level that believing unicorns are real is ludicrous, mind you. This is a movie. Stupid ideas work like a charm on a regular basis. No, it won't work because Kate Hudson's Alexis is the embodiment of narcissistic fantasies that all those "nice guys" have of why some girl didn't like them. She actually likes it when he takes her to a strip club on their date and gets so excited that she yanks him into her home for sex after he insults her looks and calls her fat. I'm sure if he hits her, steals her credit cards and sleeps with her sister, she'll want to have his baby. After he ejaculates into Alexis, Tank suddenly develops a conscience and thinks it may be a bad thing to sleep with the woman your best friend loves.
Luckily for Tank, Dustin has the intelligence of an artichoke and doesn't suspect that Tank has betrayed him when Alexis says that she's seeing someone else. Tank then makes one last ditch effort to get Alexis to hate him by causing her grandmother to suffer a six foot fall that could easily kill a woman her age. Unfortunately, Dustin shows up with what seems to be the intent of making an ass out of himself, an intent that succeeds beyond his wildest dreams.
I'm not sure what the hell happens after that although I'm willing to bet that oral sex with non-living objects is involved. Alec Baldwin shows up to play what this movie desperately needs: a misogynistic douchebag to whom Tank turns for advice about...um...I guess about how to be more of a misogynistic douchebag than he already is.
This trailer shows that Generic Title will have the same problem that Good Luck Chuck had: hate. This movie hates decency, happiness, humor and, most of all, women. It loathes women with an intensity that is normally reserved for Nazis.
I believe the trailer, along with Cook's history of horrible films is sufficient evidence that Generic Title will be a true showcase of suckitude, but, to top it off, the movie has a release date of September 15. September, especially early September, is the month where you get two kinds of movies. One is the movie where everyone dresses frilly and speaks with English accents that comes out between September and the end of the year for Oscar consideration. The other kind is Cook's movie, the absolutely horrible movie that can only possibly make money now, when there's no competition. Even then, they mostly do crap for box office making September the month where bad movies go to die.
So, everyone go ahead and enjoy your summer at the movies. You'll probably see this trailer from time to time but now you may have a bit more tolerance for it and can chuckle at the people who break down in tears or go screaming from the theater. Don't dread the coming September day when this vicious piece of celluloid will be released. If you do that, Dane Cook wins.
*I gained an immense amount of respect for Jessica Alba's acting ability just by the fact that she was able to keep from vomiting during that entire bit. I hope she got paid a hell of a lot for Good Luck Chuck as she truly deserved it.
1 comment:
I feel like I've neglected you!! Your biggest fan....
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