My Latest Movie Pitch

My attempts at screenwriting never quite work out. I've come close with titles like Star Wars meets Ghostbusters. That never took off because George Lucas was being a prick about the rights to it. Then I had Star Wars meets X-Men. You'd think I'd have learned my lesson about George Lucas and the rights before spending two years writing that screenplay but I honestly just forgot. My latest effort, though, is so good I'll be surprised if it isn't the subject of a bidding war among all the major studios so pay attention. Three years from now when you see this on the big screen, you'll know you saw it here first.

It's called Cute Virgin Girl Falls In Love With Sexy Vampire. It opens in some small shithole of a town filled with the type of low rent rednecks that I'm hoping will flock to this movie in droves. We meet Angelica Kissface, a really cute teenage virgin who, for some reason, is considered to be unattractive by her high school classmates. She listens to a lot of indie rock, usually wears ratty jeans and T-shirts with Van Gogh paintings on them and often mocks people with such a dry wit that they don't know she just made fun of them. One day, she meets a new student named Jackson Dane. His intense good looks capture her imagination. By virtue of not being a fucking idiot, she figures out that the guy with pale skin, super powers and an aversion to sunlight is a vampire. He tells her that she smells extra sweet to him and that she should take it as a compliment that he wants to brutally murder her and drink her blood.

After a while of watching them mumble sweetly to each other, stare at stuff and not have sex, we meet a group of douchebaggy Eurotrash types who turn out to be evil vampires. They often say things like, "These human are nothing but cattle to us," always in a very bored and world weary tone. Naturally, they try to kill Angelica, all the while questioning Jackson's manhood when he protects her. "Why do you side with this sow over your own kind?" In a climactic battle, Angelica sits there with her thumb up her ass while Jackson and the douchebags fight it out. Jackson wins, of course and, as a reward for saving her life, gets to take her on a series of dates where they don't get drunk and don't get laid.

THE END -- until the sequel.

I can see this as a super profitable franchise. If it is, I'll finally have the clout to get my other movie idea produced. That would be my dream project, Cute Kids Go To Magic School And Fight Evil.