Friday, August 14, 2009

Working For The Weekend

I nearly deleted this because I'm not really satisfied with it but I don't have time to write anything else and I already took a day off this week which means you're all stuck with this. Just know in advance that it's not my best work and lower your expectations. Basically, this is like when you wanted to take the cheerleader/quarterback to the prom and ended up going with someone who routinely challenges you to Star Wars trivia contests and likes to show you a picture of the sculpture he/she made out of boogers. -- MC

Summer's winding down and I say good riddance. I mentioned my allergies earlier and they combined with the season's worst heat and humidity (in the northeast, at least) to make this a miserable week. Still, allergy meds so I might actually be able to enjoy the weekend, both in terms of outdoor activities and the new movie premieres. With that in mind, let's go to the Tomatometer.

Of the three major releases coming out this week, the clear loser so far is The Time Traveler's Wife which is currently getting a rating of 35%. It's a sad fact of my life that I enjoy chick flicks* like this because I often can't find anyone to go with me. I have to sit there by myself surrounded by guys who got dragged there by their dates convinced that they're all staring at me and assuming that I'm gay. Anyway, I was wondering how this one would turn out. Are the critics who say it lacks narrative logic right or do they just have no soul? As a huge fan of narrative logic, I'm going to go out on a limb and say ALL YOU CRITICS ARE DEAD INSIDE AND THIS WILL BE THE GREATEST MOVIE EVER! Or not. Probably not.

Next up is Bandslam. The 80% rating is a surprise since this looked like some stupid teen film with a plot that went something like, "Who's going to win the big music competition? will it be the stuck up perfect kids or the nerdy losers who are actually much better looking?" By the way, if you think it's hard for a guy to go by himself to chick flicks, the experience is amplified when you're an obvious adult going by himself to teen flicks. I always feel like that creepy guy who throws beer parties for high school students. My favorite critical comment among those listed came from Julian Shaw who wrote:
Though not entirely naff, this teen film’s casting of Vanessa Hudgens is clearly an attempt to get High School Musical fans on board...
Gee, you think? I wonder how many years in critics school one has to spend before you're able to come up with such biting, insightful analysis. Anyway, I probably won't see Bandslam which means I just made an enemy out of Julian Shaw for no good reason. I will, however be going to see...

District 9, one of approximately 80 movies coming out this year with the number 9 in the title. I was going to call this the last gasp of the summer movie season but, really, that proud title belongs to G.I. Joe. The latter is a stupid, mindless action film whose entire plot could be scrawled onto a single square of toilet paper. District 9 looks like it's actually going to an interesting and thought provoking film about aliens being held in a government internment camp. I hope I'm not expecting too much from District 9 as that always leads to disappointment. I'm expecting it to be the greatest movie ever, a film going experience that will bring about a life changing epiphany and usher in a new age of light and goodness across the world. Is that too much?

*I enjoy all genres of movies, actually. When people ask me what type of movies I like, I usually just say "good movies". This usually causes them to stare at me as if I just discussed my favorite prime number and then say something like, "Oh, um, okay, I like movies where people get shot in the face."

No comments: