Through an extensive network of highly placed exclusive sources from all levels of the movie business, I have received advance copies of the Oscar speeches various nominees will deliver should they win Sunday night. We at Clear's Own are proud of our work and fully expect to receive millions in new book and syndication deals in which case we'll kiss the little Blogger piece of crap goodbye along with the genetic defectives who read it.
On that note, please enjoy this, my loyal readers.
AND THE WINNER FOR BEST ANIMATED FEATURE IS...UP, PRODUCER PETE DOCTER: Thank you, thank you. Okay, seriously, was there any doubt we would win. The Best Animated Feature category exists so Pixar can win Oscars and guess who made Up? Hint: it starts with a P and rhymes with Pixar and if you didn't know it was Pixar then how the hell did you get to be sitting in this room with the great and near great and near great of the film industry and not in some Jack in the Box slurping down cheap burgers with your fat kids? I'm actually a little offended that you made me wait through the reading of the other four nominees. I'm a busy guy with places to be and you all tried to act as if this was actually some kind of horse race instead of the foregone conclusion it's been since Up was released last May. In fact, it would be a good idea to just give me next year's award for Toy Story 3 right now. No? Fine, we'll all pretend to be in suspense this time next year then.
AND THE WINNER FOR BEST PICTURE IS...THE BLIND SIDE, PRODUCER GIL NETTER: Um, we won? Are you serious? ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS? No way. I know this is a joke. I grab hold of the statue and it sticks to my hand, everyone laughs and I'm escorted off the stage and the producers of The Hurt Locker come up for the real award, right? Ha ha, very funny, assholes.
AND THE WINNER FOR BEST ACTRESS IS...CAREY MULLIGAN, AN EDUCATION: Oh my goodness, thank you so much. I want you to know I realize this isn't so much for the role I played in An Education but that you're actually recognizing me for the time I played Sally Sparrow on Doctor Who. I want you all to know I'll be returning in 2012 as the Doctor's new companion. (This may or may not be wishful thinking on my part. -- MC)
AND THE WINNER FOR BEST DIRECTOR IS...KATHRYN BIGELOW, THE HURT LOCKER: Wow, just wow. I never thought I'd be lucky enough to be standing here before you receiving this, one of my profession's highest honors. I want to thank screenwriter Mark Boal for the wonderful job he did in giving me and the cast an unforgettable script to bring to life. I also want to thank the brave men and women on the U.S. military who give so very much for our nation. Finally, I want to thank my ex-husband, James Cameron, for being such a huge piece of shit to me while we were married. He generated such an incredible amount of hatred for him within me that he inspired me to become a better director. Oh, hi James, didn't see you there, fuckface. Gosh, were you nominated this year too? I had no idea. HA! Lick my ass, James. You used to like to do that, as I recall, though not as much as you used to like putting on a pink lace bra and ramming a 15 inch vibrating dildo up your ass while we screwed. Fuck you, James. And thanks again, Academy members, for this great honor. Also, fuck you again, James.