Friday, October 15, 2010

Bizarro World Movie Reviews -- Jackass 3D

In the past ten years, one word has dominated the world of entertainment. When you hear that word, so many thoughts enter your mind at once. You think of this amazing thing called life and about the sense of wonder that only children truly feel. Most people can't remember what their world was like before this came into their lives and most would not want to. The word, of course, is Jackass.

When it was announced that the internationally recognized MTV television classic would be made into a major motion picture, fans were evenly divided as to whether this was a good idea. How could the simplicity of showing crude guys doing dangerous stunts possibly survive the scrutiny that comes with being on the big screen? Many begged the producers not to do it while others put their faith in Johnny Knoxville, a man who had never let them down before, and the rest of his crew. I don't need to tell you their faith was rewarded in the form of Jackass: The Movie. Critics hailed this is one of the perfect moments in cinema and fans thought of it as the defining moment in their lives and both groups came to a consensus: they should never dare to make another movie.

And then they did. Jackass Number Two generated a level of excitement unseen since the end of World War II. Kings and Presidents attended its gala 2006 Hollywood premier and their reviews were unanimously positive. "Fucking awesome," said Great Britain's Queen Elizabeth. "I got so excited watching it that I came in my pants," said then-President George W. Bush. The leaders of both Israel and the Palestinian Authority expressed such mutual admiration for the film that they very nearly forged a new peace treaty that very night. Again, all were in agreement. The Jackass gang was fortunate enough to have captured lightning in a bottle twice. There should not be a third attempt. "Another sequel? What, are you shitting me?" said renowned physicist Stephen Hawking when asked about the prospects of a third Jackass movie. "Sure, I'd love to see those lovable fucks pull that off. I just can't see them doing it and I'm the world's smartest man."

I am here today to tell you that the world's smartest man was wrong. Jackass 3D is like nothing you've ever seen. Imagine if you saw a dragon playing poker, a unicorn writing War and Peace and a supernova exploding out of Scarlett Johansson's privates at the exact same moment. Multiply that experience by ten and you just might begin to approach the intensity of Jackass 3D.

This is, of course, the first Jackass movie filmed in 3D. For the first time, you feel like you are in the room when Johnny Knoxville gets punched in the balls with a clown hammer or when Bam Margera staples his own buttcheeks together. The whole Jackass experience has been elevated from simple, silly entertainment to a visceral experience unlike any that was even technologically possible before. 3D has never been truly and effectively used until now and it was, of course, the guys from Jackass who managed to pull that off.

When you go see Jackass 3D, and you will, it will be your duty to remember every moment not just of the film but how you felt before you saw it and how your life was changed for the better afterward. You will want to live forever not out of any fear of death or lust for life but so you can tell future generations of the wonder and the majesty and the sheer Jackassitude (a word that will certainly go into wide use after this movie comes out) of what you witnessed on Friday, October 15, 2010, the day we stopped being the Global Village and became the Global Family.

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