Bizarro World Movie Reviews -- Skyline

Often times, movies aren't made available to critics before they are released. The latest entry into this category is the new science fiction adventure Skyline. In almost every case, critics are not allowed to see a movie in advance because the producers think the movie is horrible and they don't want the word getting out before it's released. Note that I said "almost every case". Yes, there are those awful films, and then there's Skyline.

I think Skyline's makers refused to arrange critics' screenings not out of fear that it would be savaged by them but out of love. Yes, damn it, love. Not just for the critics but for all humanity. You see, I managed to be one of the very few people to see it before today and I can tell you that it was not denied critics' screenings because it was bad. It wasn't shown to critics because there is a very real danger that Skyline will become a new baseline for cinematic excellence and literally make all other films horrid and unwatchable by comparison. I already feel my vomit rise when I think of ever again having to view movies like Citizen Kane or 2001 or Pulp Fiction. I was looking forward to the Coen brothers remake of True Grit but now I won't be able to stomach it unless it's a CGI loaded story of aliens invading Los Angeles.

Co-directors Colin and Greg Strause are clearly being guided by truly great filmmakers like Roland Emmerich and Michael Bay but, instead of simply emulating those giants, they stand on their shoulders and surpass them to create something that neither Bay nor Emmerich could create even if you smushed them together into one incredible director called Bayerich, a name that could also be used by gossip media if they ever became lovers. The Strause brothers didn't simply create the ADD-inducing feast for the eyes for which those other two are so well known. It's difficult to put into words what they did differently. How can I put this? Imagine the best food you ever ate, the most wonderful sunset you ever saw, the most intense orgasm you ever had. Now mix them all together with a bit of your mother's love and a piece of the Berlin Wall, slap all that onto celluloid and that's what it's like to watch Skyline.

Some say the plot about hostile aliens invading and enslaving the human race is trite and derivative but Skyline renders terms like "plot" and "logic" and "intelligent storytelling" obsolete. Instead, what happens on screen isn't something you watch for entertainment. You watch it so it can touch you in places you didn't know you had. Did I know there was a spot near my liver that tingled? I do now. I never truly felt like a human being before I watched Skyline but now I feel like I have surpassed humanity. This must be what it's like when a priest becomes the Pope or when a virgin becomes a prostitute.

If someone tries to steer you away from Skyline, as the haters and cynics out there will do, say to those people, "Hey, do I come to where you work and knock the dicks out of your mouth?" This will make them so confused that you'll be able to slip by them easily and enter the multiplex to see the movie. Ha, did you see what I did? I said "see" the movie when seeing it is just a small part of what you will experience as you begin humanity's journey in the next phase of its evolution.

Oh, it has cool spaceships too.