Thursday, November 25, 2010

Look At My Briefs -- Thanksgiving Day 2010

It's unlikely anyone is reading this today. You're all cramming your faces with various types of traditional foodstuffs while hoping against hope that your closeted cousin doesn't decide that this is the year to announce to Grandma that he and his "roommate" got married in Massachusetts. Still, if you did manage to find time to come and read this site, the least I can do is treat you to an all-new edition of my brief comments on various subjects I like to call Look At My Briefs.

So, a Buffy remake. Without Joss Whedon. I wonder if anyone noticed. Oh yes, you already knew about this. If you aren't a Whedon fan then you know someone who is and have had to listen to them as they describe this state of affairs in the same terms one would use to describe the Holocaust. I'll say what I said when a new Kirk/Spock Star Trek film came out. It's not the end of the world. It does not destroy your childhood. All those episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer you loved? They still exist. The new actress playing Buffy won't be photoshopped into the old episodes. Maybe Angel will be a sparkling, moody douchebag and Spike will be a werewolf with 6-pack abs in the new movie but that won't change who they were before. The new movie will be good and all this rending of garments will be meaningless or it will suck and Whedon fans get to hold a massive congratulatory pancake breakfast/circle jerk. All of this has happened before. All of this will happen again.

Anne Hathaway would be a good choice for Lois Lane in any new Superman movie. The big problem in that article is the rumored description of the plot. We don't need a Superman origin story. Everyone knows Superman's origin. People who have never stained their fingers with comic book ink know this story. The CW is about to wrap up its ten year long television series about Superman's origin. Hell, if you found an island with natives that had never before had contact with the outside world, they would know about Kal-El of Krypton.

And speaking of stories told again and again and origin stories everyone knows...

A few years ago, a company called CleanFlicks was driven out of business after a successful lawsuit by movie makers. CleanFlicks and companies like them would take DVDs and remove anything they found objectionable so that people with delicate sensibilities wouldn't get their precious little fee-fees hurts when they saw things like Kate Winslet's nude scene in Titanic. A federal judge ruled in 2006 that these companies were violating copyright laws by selling altered DVDs and that was that. Until now anyway. Look, prudes, I know most family films suck but you all wouldn't like it if I took Fireproof and added swear words and buttsex scenes. Most movies worth watching have stuff in them you don't like. Accept that and learn to love the Disney Channel.

The answer to the question asked in this headline is no. Sarah Palin couldn't even get her daughter a win on a stupid dancing show and her TLC reality thing has already lost half its initial viewers and the diehard fans left are old and will be dead by 2012.

I'd heard that Johnny Depp might star in a new film about the Lone Ranger but wasn't all that interested until today when I read that Depp wouldn't be playing the Ranger. He would play Tonto. The article speculates that Robert Downey Jr. might play the Lone Ranger and what a dream team that would be but I can't wait to see how everyone involved with the project will try to explain why they chose Depp and not a Native American actor to play Tonto. The explanation would be, "Well, he's Johnny freaking Depp," but I can't believe this controversy hasn't occurred to anyone. Knowing Depp, he'll want to play one weirdass Tonto too.

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