I had fully intended to stop writing about anything related to Dane Cook. I'd have been annoyed had My Best Friend's Girl gotten a blockbuster #1 opening but instead it opened at #3, just barely beating out a crappy cartoon, so my lust for Cook's proverbial head on a metaphorical pike was satisfied. Unfortunately, Cook must have some sort of masochistic love for the things he reads about himself here so he has forced me to write about him again by showing the whole planet that he's a douchebag. Actually, being a douchebag is the nicest thing that this article on TMZ.com says about him. It starts off with an act of douchebaggery and ends with insanity.
It turns out that Mr. Melting Porcelain Vagina Face is so busy finding new inanimate objects to have sex with that he can't be bothered to clean up after his dog. In fact, a judge actually evicted him from his apartment complex because the place was hip deep in dog crap. I'm wondering how much of an exaggeration that is. It says a lot about Cook and his character that he allowed a situation like this to get to the point where his landlord felt he had to evict him. There were almost certainly at least a few warnings given, maybe a note taped to the door saying, "Hey Dane, I know you're busy making that movie where you emotionally abuse Kate Hudson and hey, she deserves it after making Fool's Gold, right? Ha! You can use that. Anyhoo, if you get a minute or two could you maybe find some time to please clean up the massive pile of feces that little Rover has been dumping by the pool? It's just that it's starting to look like that mountain from Close Encounters and the other tenants are starting to complain. Thanks heaps, the Landlord."
So, he gets evicted and needs to come up with a reason why he and his four legged poop machine shouldn't be thrown out. He comes up with what I'm assuming he actually believed was a really good reason:
Cook claims he only rented the apartment in the first place because his heroes, (John) Belushi and (Steve) Martin, used to live in the same complex back in the day, and according to the court docs filed in L.A. County Superior Court, he would suffer serious "mental and emotional" damage -- and his career would crumble -- if he was forced to leave. In the docs, Cook claims, "I know that the presence of those that have lived there before me affects me deeply and provides me with inspiration."
Wow, you mean if he's forced to move we won't see any more movies where he screws a burrito, vomits in public and drops an old woman on the floor? Oh no, I almost forgot we'll also miss out on those comedy specials where he goes on at length about seeing his dad's dick. Also, he's trying to say that truly gifted comedians like John Belushi and Steve Martin share some portion of the blame for all this.
Cook actually said he would pay his landlord $40,000 in compensation for what his dog did which means that Cook must have allowed his dog to leave a LOT of shit lying around. For considerably less he could have hired someone to walk and clean up after his dog but I guess he was too busy getting ready to shoot his next movie which is called...um...huh, he doesn't seem to have any movies currently in the works. Hopefully this means he'll be sitting in his apartment getting high off the smell of dog shit and waiting for the ghost of John Belushi to inspire him to write Piss Boy, the story of a guy who uncontrollably pisses on everything including his potential girlfriend who'll be played by a hot starlet who'll accept the role while drunk on absinthe. Belushi will probably tell him that he should kick the whole "oral sex with non-human things" up a notch and in this movie and do it with something living, like an ostrich or a koala bear. Hell, why not both?
And I am vindicated. Ever since May, I've been saying that Dane Cook's My Best Friend's Girl was going to suck in a way that would redefine the word "suck" in such a way that people would no longer use the word "suck" and would instead start using the word "Dane." For example:
"This steak is horrible." "Yeah man, it totally Danes."
"This milkshake is so thick it's hard to Dane it through the straw."
"Baby, if you loved me, you would Dane me."
Mr. Melting Porcelain Vagina Face can make all the excuses he wants now (and I'm sure he will) but none of them will help. The only good thing about this is that Cook will no longer have to put up with people saying that Good Luck Chuck was the worst movie he's ever made.
I like to think that, in some small way, I brought about the fierce and terrible judgment that Cook is now experiencing but no, he didn't need me for that. His gross, misogynistic and Just-Plain-Evil comedy was enough to bring him down. I may actually go see this now because I'm sure I would be alone in the theater and I like it when that happens and it would be a distinct pleasure to rip this movie a new one, or at least to take the new one that everyone else has ripped into it and make it just a tad wider.
Anyway, enjoy watching Ghost Town or Lakeview Terrace or maybe your second or third viewing of Dark Knight or Tropic Thunder. If you get a soda and it seems a little salty, you are probably tasting Dane Cook's tears.
I would show you the Tomatometer's rating for the new Dane Cook film, My Best Friend's Girl, but as of this writing it's blank. That means that no advance screenings were given to critics and that means the studio thinks it sucks so badly that the Earth itself would explode if critics actually reviewed it. I have also noticed that ads for the movie are suspiciously free of quotes from praising critics. Movies like this can usually bypass Roger Ebert and find someone like Bob Bukey of the Boise Possum to say, "I laughed so hard I wet myself," but not this time. At this point, I feel like tooting my own horn about how some of us were on to this back in May.
Of course, if it does flop, it will have nothing whatsoever to do with Cook having oral sex with a burrito* but instead will be due to the Baldwin-free poster in which Cook schizophrenically believed that he looked like some sort of horrid melting vagina with perfect skin. Oh well, people will have to somehow get through their weekend with seeing Kate Hudson being emotionally abused by some asshole boyfriend who hires an asshole to treat her like an asshole so that, like an asshole, she runs back to the first asshole.
Oh, if you see My Best Friend's Girl and you liked it, for the sake of society, please keep it to yourself.
*Apparently, this was an ad lib on Cook's part that, instead of making everyone on the set retch, made them laugh instead so they kept it in. I'm assuming everyone on the set was on what must have been the most awesome drugs ever made.
For those of you who refuse on ethical grounds to click on a link that has anything to do with Dane Cook, the Funniest Man In His Own Mind is publicly complaining about the marketing campaign for his upcoming "movie" My Best Friend's Girl. This is the one I talked about back in May where I warned the planet to avoid this in the same way you would avoid a rabid skunk who was also trying to talk you into buying a time share. I based this opinion on his earlier work in movies, specifically in Good Luck Chuck where I am legally obligated to warn you that it ends with Cook giving oral sex to a stuffed penguin while Jessica Alba, in an Oscar-worthy performance, acts like it's turning her on. In the trailer for the new movie, he's giving oral sex to what looks like a burrito so at least he's moved on to organic material.
Anyhoo, not realizing how lucky he is that movie producers have yet to realize how much he sucks and allow him to make yet another movie, Cook goes on an extended whine about his new movie's poster. Here's what he said:
He writes, "I had no say in this marketing campaign, but, if I did, things would be different, since it is obvious that this poster is boring/odd and has zero to do with the movie I performed in.
"The left side of my face seems to be melting off of my skull. My left side looks like Brittany Spears' (sic) vagina.
"It's no secret that I'm more rugged facially, due to a drunken visit by the teen acne fairy, but according to this poster I've got perfect porcelain flesh. I look like the f**kin' bathroom floor at Caesars Palace."
He also went on about Alec Baldwin not being on the poster which, to me, shows that the marketing department had too much respect for Baldwin to publicly embarrass him by putting him on this poster. I'm not sure if this was meant to be funny since, whenever Cook tries to be funny, I always end up saying, "I'm not sure if this was meant to be funny." The "bathroom floor" comment made me think of several cheap jokes about Cook's face being covered by piss and puke but I'm way too classy to make those jokes though not so classy that I stopped myself from bringing the subject up at all.
I try to stay away from conspiracy theories and attempts at mind reading that's so prevalent on the internet and in society in general. That being said, I believe that I've successfully read Cook's mind and come up with a conspiracy theory. Dane Cook's last two star vehicles made so little money that their backers can no longer afford to jack off to Playboy and must now use the Victoria's Secret catalogue. I believe that Cook has laid the groundwork for what he's going to do on the off chance that the same thing happens here. When My Best Friend's Girl premieres and somehow fails to rival The Dark Knight's box office take, Cook will then be able to run back to his blog and announce to world, "YOU SEE?! I told you that poster sucked. If they had added Alec Baldwin and not cleaned up my face so people could have seen me for the hideous troll that I am, we'd have had a 300 million dollar opening and people would be wondering who the hell Christian Bale was."
At this point I was planning to say something about any Dane Cook film projects currently in production but, according to IMDB, he doesn't have any. The list begins in 1995 when he starred in a show called Maybe This Time which was so good that network television was forced to yank it off the air lest it be held up as a new standard of excellence in broadcast television and ends with My Best Friend's Girl. Let's hope it stays that way.
Once again, I feel compelled to do something that, if anyone else did it, would elicit great criticism from me. I'm going to criticize a movie I haven't seen. I've done this twice before, first with Larry the Cable Guy's witless Protection and again with Martin Lawrence's College Road Trip. Today, I will write about...this. Warning: I was fine but there are rumors that many who have watched this trailer lost the ability to feel joy.
Ah, Dane Cook. Cook is a very popular comedian who, as far as I can tell, starts being funny whenever I'm not listening to him. I last wrote about Dane Cook when I reviewed his last star vehicle, Good Luck Chuck. That movie was capped off by a scene where a three-breasted woman watches a videotape where, to the apparent delight of Jessica Alba*, he gives oral sex to a toy penguin and no, I did not make up a single word of that. As you saw in the trailer for his new movie, Generic Title, Cook stretches as an actor in a scene where he gives oral sex to a burrito. At least with this one he's moved up to organic matter (unless it's a Taco Bell burrito).
So, other than that, why will Generic Title suck? First off, you have Jason Biggs, an actor who shares with Cook the distinction that he's had sex on screen with something that wasn't human. Somehow, he's managed to land Kate Hudson as his girlfriend and then completely blows it by moving too fast and asking her to move in with him after only knowing her for a few weeks. Biggs' character, Dustin, is most likely one of these A-holes you see on the internet in droves, the ones who come to every forum on the internet, no matter what the forum's topic, to bitch that women don't like nice guys. It could be Cheese-Lovers.com under the thread, "I Love Gouda," and one of these guys will show up to say, "You know who else liked gouda? My ex-girlfriend who left me for a guy who treats her like shit so this means that all women love getting treated like shit."
Anyway, we then see that Dustin is best friends with Cook's character, Tank. Why is he named Tank? I honestly believe that, if you broke everyone on the planet down to the cellular level, you wouldn't find a single human atom that gave a crap why he's named Tank although, knowing Cook, I'd bet every penny I have as well as every penny I ever will have that it has something to do with his penis. Tank apparently makes his living as a sick, hateful version of Will Smith's Hitch character. Instead of teaching men to behave in a way that pleases and excites women, Tank is hired to date a woman targetted by a man who supposedly likes her so he can behave like a complete jerk (a role that Dane Cook has shown in the past that he can play masterfully) and the woman will then run screaming back to the "nice guy" who unleashed this vicious little pig of a man on her in the first place. This all leads to Dustin deciding to make the woman he supposedly loves miserable by having Tank meet her, date her and destroy her so that she'll need a "nice guy" like Dustin to pick up the pieces of her shattered life.
Had Dustin bothered to get to know her better, he'd have known that this plan would not work. Not because it's ludicrous on the level that believing unicorns are real is ludicrous, mind you. This is a movie. Stupid ideas work like a charm on a regular basis. No, it won't work because Kate Hudson's Alexis is the embodiment of narcissistic fantasies that all those "nice guys" have of why some girl didn't like them. She actually likes it when he takes her to a strip club on their date and gets so excited that she yanks him into her home for sex after he insults her looks and calls her fat. I'm sure if he hits her, steals her credit cards and sleeps with her sister, she'll want to have his baby. After he ejaculates into Alexis, Tank suddenly develops a conscience and thinks it may be a bad thing to sleep with the woman your best friend loves.
Luckily for Tank, Dustin has the intelligence of an artichoke and doesn't suspect that Tank has betrayed him when Alexis says that she's seeing someone else. Tank then makes one last ditch effort to get Alexis to hate him by causing her grandmother to suffer a six foot fall that could easily kill a woman her age. Unfortunately, Dustin shows up with what seems to be the intent of making an ass out of himself, an intent that succeeds beyond his wildest dreams.
I'm not sure what the hell happens after that although I'm willing to bet that oral sex with non-living objects is involved. Alec Baldwin shows up to play what this movie desperately needs: a misogynistic douchebag to whom Tank turns for advice about...um...I guess about how to be more of a misogynistic douchebag than he already is.
This trailer shows that Generic Title will have the same problem that Good Luck Chuck had: hate. This movie hates decency, happiness, humor and, most of all, women. It loathes women with an intensity that is normally reserved for Nazis.
I believe the trailer, along with Cook's history of horrible films is sufficient evidence that Generic Title will be a true showcase of suckitude, but, to top it off, the movie has a release date of September 15. September, especially early September, is the month where you get two kinds of movies. One is the movie where everyone dresses frilly and speaks with English accents that comes out between September and the end of the year for Oscar consideration. The other kind is Cook's movie, the absolutely horrible movie that can only possibly make money now, when there's no competition. Even then, they mostly do crap for box office making September the month where bad movies go to die.
So, everyone go ahead and enjoy your summer at the movies. You'll probably see this trailer from time to time but now you may have a bit more tolerance for it and can chuckle at the people who break down in tears or go screaming from the theater. Don't dread the coming September day when this vicious piece of celluloid will be released. If you do that, Dane Cook wins.
*I gained an immense amount of respect for Jessica Alba's acting ability just by the fact that she was able to keep from vomiting during that entire bit. I hope she got paid a hell of a lot for Good Luck Chuck as she truly deserved it.
"It's porn... It wasn't supposed to be like that." -- Jessica Alba describing Good Luck Chuck
Good Luck Chuck is hate. I don't mean it's hateful or makes you hate it. I mean it is the physical embodiment of hate. Just now I started to write, "If it was possible to actually physically hold on to hate..." when I realized it IS now possible to do that. All you have to do is get yourself a DVD copy of Good Luck Chuck. If you took several stacks of that DVD and put them into a juicer, you'd have yourself a tasty glass of Hater-Aid.
As you can see from the above quote, the movie stars Jessica Alba. Maybe you're thinking to yourself, "Golly, Jessica Alba is one of the cutest, most likable actresses currently working in Hollywood. How could the movie be as rancid as you are describing if she's in it?" Well, why tell you when I can show you? The reason should be immediately apparent.
And thus, the reason. It doesn't just have Jessica Alba. It also has as its title character DANE FUCKING COOK! Dane Cook is to comedy what a rancid, rotting corpse of a three-days-dead skunk is to comedy. Cook took what, from what I've heard and Jessica Alba seems to confirm, was a halfway decent script for a romantic comedy and turned it into a movie where fat widows beg some douchebag to eat their edible panties.
And they knew, god damn it! The studio knew all this and released the movie as is anyway. How do I know that they knew? Let's once again go to the instant replay. The first clip is the original trailer for Good Luck Chuck.
Note how prominently Dane Cook is featured. He's clearly meant to be the main reason that you should want to plunk down the cost of a ticket. Now let's skip ahead in time a bit. Focus groups and test audiences have seen the movie and this resulted in the commercial that was all over TV just before the movie premiered.
It now seems as if the entire plot has changed. It's no longer, "Dane Cook possesses a mystical power over women but must change his ways to win the love of Jessica Alba," but is now, "Jessica Alba is a sexy klutz who keeps falling out of her clothes and, oh yeah, Dane Cook is in it doing...something." Gone are the scenes of Cook trying to hold down his vomit at the idea of actually having to screw a fat woman. Gone, in other words, is the hate.
Ah yes, the hate. Hate for everyone and everything that is good and decent in the world. Do you love your mom? Puppies? Ice cream? This movie doesn't, it hates all those things and much more. Most of all though, as you can see if you watched the clips, it hates women. Women in this movie are plot devices for Dane Cook to make fun of and things for him to stick his penis into.
As for the plot it's...ah, screw it. I'm not doing an in-depth analysis. It's some stupid thing about how he's cursed to have women fall in love with someone else after they have sex with him. A plot like this exists to have funny, outrageous situations stuffed into it. One thing I will say is that, normally, it's a matter of subjective opinion as to whether a movie is funny or not, but that it not the case here. This movie is not funny. Let's stress this: THIS MOVIE IS NOT FUNNY! No sane, rational intelligent person can watch this and say that this movie is funny. If you say to me, "In my opinion, this movie is funny," then my answer will be that your opinion is wrong. It would be like saying, "In my opinion, 2+2=5."
As a parting shot, I will leave you now with the movie's final scene which I feel is prima fascia evidence of everything that I have been saying. I warn you, this is not for the squeamish. It's not just the sexual content which will offend you. Let me put it this way: the clip starts off with a fat guy making out with a woman who has 3 breasts. This is the least offensive part of the clip. If you enjoy watching this, please don't ever let me know.I'm not going to embed this one. Here's the link:
