For those of you who refuse on ethical grounds to click on a link that has anything to do with Dane Cook, the Funniest Man In His Own Mind is publicly complaining about the marketing campaign for his upcoming "movie" My Best Friend's Girl. This is the one I talked about back in May where I warned the planet to avoid this in the same way you would avoid a rabid skunk who was also trying to talk you into buying a time share. I based this opinion on his earlier work in movies, specifically in Good Luck Chuck where I am legally obligated to warn you that it ends with Cook giving oral sex to a stuffed penguin while Jessica Alba, in an Oscar-worthy performance, acts like it's turning her on. In the trailer for the new movie, he's giving oral sex to what looks like a burrito so at least he's moved on to organic material.
Anyhoo, not realizing how lucky he is that movie producers have yet to realize how much he sucks and allow him to make yet another movie, Cook goes on an extended whine about his new movie's poster. Here's what he said:
He writes, "I had no say in this marketing campaign, but, if I did, things would be different, since it is obvious that this poster is boring/odd and has zero to do with the movie I performed in.
"The left side of my face seems to be melting off of my skull. My left side looks like Brittany Spears' (sic) vagina.
"It's no secret that I'm more rugged facially, due to a drunken visit by the teen acne fairy, but according to this poster I've got perfect porcelain flesh. I look like the f**kin' bathroom floor at Caesars Palace."
He also went on about Alec Baldwin not being on the poster which, to me, shows that the marketing department had too much respect for Baldwin to publicly embarrass him by putting him on this poster. I'm not sure if this was meant to be funny since, whenever Cook tries to be funny, I always end up saying, "I'm not sure if this was meant to be funny." The "bathroom floor" comment made me think of several cheap jokes about Cook's face being covered by piss and puke but I'm way too classy to make those jokes though not so classy that I stopped myself from bringing the subject up at all.
I try to stay away from conspiracy theories and attempts at mind reading that's so prevalent on the internet and in society in general. That being said, I believe that I've successfully read Cook's mind and come up with a conspiracy theory. Dane Cook's last two star vehicles made so little money that their backers can no longer afford to jack off to Playboy and must now use the Victoria's Secret catalogue. I believe that Cook has laid the groundwork for what he's going to do on the off chance that the same thing happens here. When My Best Friend's Girl premieres and somehow fails to rival The Dark Knight's box office take, Cook will then be able to run back to his blog and announce to world, "YOU SEE?! I told you that poster sucked. If they had added Alec Baldwin and not cleaned up my face so people could have seen me for the hideous troll that I am, we'd have had a 300 million dollar opening and people would be wondering who the hell Christian Bale was."
At this point I was planning to say something about any Dane Cook film projects currently in production but, according to IMDB, he doesn't have any. The list begins in 1995 when he starred in a show called Maybe This Time which was so good that network television was forced to yank it off the air lest it be held up as a new standard of excellence in broadcast television and ends with My Best Friend's Girl. Let's hope it stays that way.
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