Good Luck Chuck -- Replace "Luck" With "Up"

"It's porn... It wasn't supposed to be like that." -- Jessica Alba describing Good Luck Chuck

Good Luck Chuck is hate. I don't mean it's hateful or makes you hate it. I mean it is the physical embodiment of hate. Just now I started to write, "If it was possible to actually physically hold on to hate..." when I realized it IS now possible to do that. All you have to do is get yourself a DVD copy of Good Luck Chuck. If you took several stacks of that DVD and put them into a juicer, you'd have yourself a tasty glass of Hater-Aid.

As you can see from the above quote, the movie stars Jessica Alba. Maybe you're thinking to yourself, "Golly, Jessica Alba is one of the cutest, most likable actresses currently working in Hollywood. How could the movie be as rancid as you are describing if she's in it?" Well, why tell you when I can show you? The reason should be immediately apparent.



And thus, the reason. It doesn't just have Jessica Alba. It also has as its title character DANE FUCKING COOK! Dane Cook is to comedy what a rancid, rotting corpse of a three-days-dead skunk is to comedy. Cook took what, from what I've heard and Jessica Alba seems to confirm, was a halfway decent script for a romantic comedy and turned it into a movie where fat widows beg some douchebag to eat their edible panties.

And they knew, god damn it! The studio knew all this and released the movie as is anyway. How do I know that they knew? Let's once again go to the instant replay. The first clip is the original trailer for Good Luck Chuck.



Note how prominently Dane Cook is featured. He's clearly meant to be the main reason that you should want to plunk down the cost of a ticket. Now let's skip ahead in time a bit. Focus groups and test audiences have seen the movie and this resulted in the commercial that was all over TV just before the movie premiered.



It now seems as if the entire plot has changed. It's no longer, "Dane Cook possesses a mystical power over women but must change his ways to win the love of Jessica Alba," but is now, "Jessica Alba is a sexy klutz who keeps falling out of her clothes and, oh yeah, Dane Cook is in it doing...something." Gone are the scenes of Cook trying to hold down his vomit at the idea of actually having to screw a fat woman. Gone, in other words, is the hate.

Ah yes, the hate. Hate for everyone and everything that is good and decent in the world. Do you love your mom? Puppies? Ice cream? This movie doesn't, it hates all those things and much more. Most of all though, as you can see if you watched the clips, it hates women. Women in this movie are plot devices for Dane Cook to make fun of and things for him to stick his penis into.

As for the plot it's...ah, screw it. I'm not doing an in-depth analysis. It's some stupid thing about how he's cursed to have women fall in love with someone else after they have sex with him. A plot like this exists to have funny, outrageous situations stuffed into it. One thing I will say is that, normally, it's a matter of subjective opinion as to whether a movie is funny or not, but that it not the case here. This movie is not funny. Let's stress this: THIS MOVIE IS NOT FUNNY! No sane, rational intelligent person can watch this and say that this movie is funny. If you say to me, "In my opinion, this movie is funny," then my answer will be that your opinion is wrong. It would be like saying, "In my opinion, 2+2=5."

As a parting shot, I will leave you now with the movie's final scene which I feel is prima fascia evidence of everything that I have been saying. I warn you, this is not for the squeamish. It's not just the sexual content which will offend you. Let me put it this way: the clip starts off with a fat guy making out with a woman who has 3 breasts. This is the least offensive part of the clip. If you enjoy watching this, please don't ever let me know.I'm not going to embed this one. Here's the link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YIMEfl4sdrg