Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Picking The Low Hanging Fruit

I had fully intended to stop writing about anything related to Dane Cook. I'd have been annoyed had My Best Friend's Girl gotten a blockbuster #1 opening but instead it opened at #3, just barely beating out a crappy cartoon, so my lust for Cook's proverbial head on a metaphorical pike was satisfied. Unfortunately, Cook must have some sort of masochistic love for the things he reads about himself here so he has forced me to write about him again by showing the whole planet that he's a douchebag. Actually, being a douchebag is the nicest thing that this article on TMZ.com says about him. It starts off with an act of douchebaggery and ends with insanity.

It turns out that Mr. Melting Porcelain Vagina Face is so busy finding new inanimate objects to have sex with that he can't be bothered to clean up after his dog. In fact, a judge actually evicted him from his apartment complex because the place was hip deep in dog crap. I'm wondering how much of an exaggeration that is. It says a lot about Cook and his character that he allowed a situation like this to get to the point where his landlord felt he had to evict him. There were almost certainly at least a few warnings given, maybe a note taped to the door saying, "Hey Dane, I know you're busy making that movie where you emotionally abuse Kate Hudson and hey, she deserves it after making Fool's Gold, right? Ha! You can use that. Anyhoo, if you get a minute or two could you maybe find some time to please clean up the massive pile of feces that little Rover has been dumping by the pool? It's just that it's starting to look like that mountain from Close Encounters and the other tenants are starting to complain. Thanks heaps, the Landlord."

So, he gets evicted and needs to come up with a reason why he and his four legged poop machine shouldn't be thrown out. He comes up with what I'm assuming he actually believed was a really good reason:
Cook claims he only rented the apartment in the first place because his heroes, (John) Belushi and (Steve) Martin, used to live in the same complex back in the day, and according to the court docs filed in L.A. County Superior Court, he would suffer serious "mental and emotional" damage -- and his career would crumble -- if he was forced to leave. In the docs, Cook claims, "I know that the presence of those that have lived there before me affects me deeply and provides me with inspiration."

Wow, you mean if he's forced to move we won't see any more movies where he screws a burrito, vomits in public and drops an old woman on the floor? Oh no, I almost forgot we'll also miss out on those comedy specials where he goes on at length about seeing his dad's dick. Also, he's trying to say that truly gifted comedians like John Belushi and Steve Martin share some portion of the blame for all this.

Cook actually said he would pay his landlord $40,000 in compensation for what his dog did which means that Cook must have allowed his dog to leave a LOT of shit lying around. For considerably less he could have hired someone to walk and clean up after his dog but I guess he was too busy getting ready to shoot his next movie which is called...um...huh, he doesn't seem to have any movies currently in the works. Hopefully this means he'll be sitting in his apartment getting high off the smell of dog shit and waiting for the ghost of John Belushi to inspire him to write Piss Boy, the story of a guy who uncontrollably pisses on everything including his potential girlfriend who'll be played by a hot starlet who'll accept the role while drunk on absinthe. Belushi will probably tell him that he should kick the whole "oral sex with non-human things" up a notch and in this movie and do it with something living, like an ostrich or a koala bear. Hell, why not both?

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