The Force Hates My Guts

Harry Knowles is the proprietor and webmaster of the famous movie site Ain't It Cool News. He's also someone who will cease to exist if doctors ever manage to find a cure for stupid. His writing usually consists of opening his posts with, "Hey folks, Harry here..." after which he says something like, "Don't quote me if this turns out not to be true, but reliable sources say that Mrs. Doubtfire 2 will be the most AWESOME FUCKING MOVIE EVER!!!!!!!" or else he goes on at length and detail about how some sexy actress gave him an erection. I believe that so much of the internet is moronic is because Harry's very presence is some sort of intelligence photosynthesis that breathes in all the smart stuff and exhales idiocy. I felt the need to say all this to qualify the fact that, today, I'm going to discuss something I read on AICN and that reading anything there is not because I'm a HK fan. People thinking that you like Harry Knowles is like people thinking you have an STD. Even if you get rid of it, it taints your reputation forever. I read AICN because, despite being a walking underwear stain, Harry has managed to create an informative movie news site that often lets you know what's happening in Hollywood before just about anyone else does. I'm sure George Clooney found out he was going to be in Michael Clayton from Harry's site before he ever saw the script for it.

Anyhoo, I was perusing AICN when I stepped into this steaming nugget of moronosity. There's a movie coming out called Fanboys set in 1999 about a group of Star Wars fans who plan to break into George Lucas' ranch and steal the unreleased print for The Phantom Menace. Apparently, The Weinstein Company (the folks who own the movie) plan to make some changes to the movie that show Star Wars fans in a bad light. Now, if you've never obsessed over anything stupid then you will not understand in the least the actions taken by the Star Wars fans who heard about this.

Harry received a letter from someone calling himself Jek Porkins who claims to represent a group called the 501st Legion. That sentence contains not one but TWO warning signs. I actually commend this guy for calling himself Jek Porkins, saying that he belongs to the 501st Legion. This was an unintentional public service in which he told the rest of the planet that they should stay the hell away from him. If they read that and still try to engage him in conversation then they have no excuse to get annoyed when he starts talking about light sabers, the number of Clone warriors it would take to conquer the galaxy and just what the ratio of midichlorians in your bloodstream must be to qualify for the Jedi Academy.

Jek Porkins outrage over the Fanboys situation is at a level normally only reached when you discover that a paroled child molester is living next door to a local grade school. He and his fellow Legionnaires have started 3 count em THREE websites in an attempt to pressure Darth Weinstein (their name for him, not mine) to keep Fanboys as is. The 501st Legion has vowed to organize an international boycott of all Weinstein films if they go ahead with their planned changes. I wish I had been in the room when the Weinsteins were informed that a group that is probably four guys who get together and gorge on KFC while discussing the pros and cons of Han Solo shooting first was vowing to bring their company down. Porkins even wrote this in his letter to Harry Knowles: "We're going to attack the Weinstein Company death star, even if it is a suicide mission."
Finally, there's a passage on their MySpace page shows how they have no idea what they're doing that goes like this:

We are in no way affiliated with the filmmakers or with the asshats at the Weinstein Company (obviously).

Okay, take a deep breath and think. What would you do if a group of nerds called you an asshat? When you want people like the Weinsteins to do what you want them to do, you should treat them politely and, with calm and clarity, tell them the reasons that they should grant you your wishes. I guaran-goddam-tee you that what this did was make anyone who ever made his own Luke Skywalker On Tatootine costume immediately open his email client and quickly send off something like this to the Weinsteins:

"Dear Douchebags, I realize you probably can't read this because your heads are up your asses but I would really fucking appreciate it if someone there at your company would stop jacking their two inch cocks long enough to realize that Fanboys is the most awesomest movie ever and that only a prick who fucks his own mom would ever try to change a second of it."

Oh well, I've done what I could. Help me, readers, you're my only ho...Damn it, now I'm doing it.