Friday, August 29, 2008

Movies Shmoovies

It's been a bit of a time of a while since I actually wrote a review. This is because last week I felt that life was too short to spend one second of it watching movies like The House Bunny, Death Race or The Rocker. This week I'm realizing that life hasn't gotten any longer* so I'll probably go see at least one of the three releases. Ah, but which one? I'd like to see Hamlet 2 but it's not showing anywhere near me. This leaves me with College, Disaster Movie and Babylon A.D. So, in the old Clear's Own tradition that started last week...


Man oh man, does this week's crop suck. Disaster Movie is one of those crappy parody comedies. These get worse every year and I think that Disaster Movie may actually be an attempt to kill off the entire genre before it destroys the planet as we know it. As of this writing, Disaster Movie scored a big fat Zero Percent. Here's a quote from film critic Prairie Miller of Newsblaze:
Movie metaphor junkies be on high alert, for a horny Dr. Phil, Michael Jackson hiding out in a car trunk with a little boy and a pet chimp for good measure, and a bad imitation Juno blasting lactating breast milk as a deadly weapon.

If you did not say, "Holy shit," when you read that, it means that you are instead saying, "Holy fucking shit." Zero percent may be too high.

Our next selection is Babylon A.D. This one scored 6%. Congratulations Babylon A.D. You are the number one movie of the week. I've mentioned Bab-Ad (I'm trying to hip it up) here and here and it was obvious then it was going to suck but the six percent is a big shock. Usually an action film can have the hero dodge bullets while outrunning a fireball and push the movie up to at least 15% that way. Sadly, due to the fact that I like Vin Diesel, cute French girls (this movie has one), Michelle Yeoh (this movie has one of those too) and the fact that a bad action movie is easier to watch than a bad comedy, this will probably be the one I go to see.

Fianlly, we have College. This movie does not yet have a Tomatometer rating which means that the producers felt it was so bad they didn't do advance screenings for critics. But hey, maybe they're wrong. I gave it what I call as Ass Number of 22% but I'm more than willing to admit that my ass was wrong and that even 22% was way too good for it.

Anyway, see you at the movies. If you are in northern New York and see a blond guy coming out of Babylon A.D. with tears in his eyes, please don't look at him. He's already ashamed of himself and needs neither your pity nor your judgement.

*So what if that makes no sense? You try coming up with clever things to write.

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