Friday, August 22, 2008

Sunday Sunday Sunday

I usually don't get to the movie theater until Sunday night which means that, in the modern movie business model, the reviews I write during the week have the same relevance as my opinion on the 2004 Presidential election (obviously, Ralph Nader will pull a major upset). So now I'm going to tell you what to see based on the Tomatometer. The Tomatometer is probably my favorite way of gauging the quality of a movie in advance and, with uncommon exceptions, I usually agree with it.

Which of this week's 3 big studio releases should you see? According to the Tomatometer, which is being backed up by my own opinion which I pulled out of my ass, none of them.

Death Race
clocks in at 38% making it this week's #1 movie. I'm sure that Death Race's mom will be proud. Who'd have thought some cheap looking remake of some cheap looking 70s movie about a death sport in a dystopian future (which, back then, was the plot of around 75% of all movies) would fail to charm the nation's critics? The original, Death Race 2000, has the charms that a low budget movie can exude when you expect very little from it and includes Sylvester Stallone and David Carradine before they got famous. The new one is a big budget studio release that, judging from the ads, has an ugly look and a dumb plot. Skip it and see Dark Knight again.

The Rocker has some funny stuff in the trailer which makes it the worst kind of movie, the kind that makes you think it may be worth seeing then figuratively kicks you in the crotch and takes your lunch money. With a Tomatometer rating of 34%, it is number 3 on the list of this week's new movies. This is a case in which I disagree with Rotten Tomatoes.

The worst movie coming out this week is almost certainly The House Bunny. Amazingly, this beyond-stupid comedy scored a rating of 37%. This movie is about a stupid Playboy model who meets some loser sorority of girls who are considered to be the most hideous girls on campus. These ugly girls include Emma Stone who played a babe in last year's Superbad, singer Katherine McPhee who in real life is the kind of girl who gets layouts in magazines like Maxim and Rumer Willis who is a dead ringer for her super hot mother, Demi Moore. Anna Feris' Playboy model character hatches the genius plan of getting the girls a makeover and some sexy outfits and IT'S A MIRACLE they're suddenly hot.

There are lots of good movies in the theaters right now. You certainly couldn't have seen them all. If you have, this may be a good weekend to pretend that you still love your family and spend some quality time with them.

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