Wednesday, June 17, 2009

An Apology To Michael Bay

I apologize. I really do. I've been very hard on you and have often held you up as a symbol of all that is wrong with the movie business. I've always concentrated on what you've done wrong and not on the positive aspects of your work. For instance, even while laughing and groaning at the absurdities of Armageddon, there were some decent action sequences. The first part of The Island had a cool, creepy atmosphere and some provocative ideas. Transformers had Megan Fox bending over that car, a scene that should have won it the Palme d'Or at Cannes. Yet, even with all that, I have done nothing but trash you and have never recognized that, on your worst day, you never made anything like this:

Jesus H. Fucking Christ on a fucking pogo stick. Fuck. I mean...FUCK!!! I've seen loads of science fiction that has no respect for science but this has no respect for reality.
"If the electromagnetic energy is powerful enough, it will override local gravity."

Huh? WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN? Apparently, it means that people and objects will start floating but only specific people and objects at dramatically convenient times.
Hot scientist: "The Moon will impact Earth will impact Earth in 39 days."
President: "What happens to Earth?"

What the hell do you think happens to Earth, you twit?
A chunk of brown dwarf is still stuck in the Moon.
Aren't brown dwarfs made out of gas? A chunk of GAS is stuck in the Moon? Okay, very dense gas that somehow survived IMPACT WITH THE FUCKING MOON without dissipating has now lodged itself in the Moon like beef in a fat guy's colon. How do we fix this problem. Well, this is a Grade B piece of sci-fi crap which means we now nuke the damn Moon.

Impact has all the bad elements of one of your movies, Mr, Bay, without any of the stuff that makes your movies watchable. No top level actors like Bruce Willis or Scarlett Johannson. No movie-sized budget that will at least give the movie a fun video game quality. No super sexy girls bending over cars. All we're left with is TV movie silliness and an endless list of questions.

So Mr. Bay, I apologize. I will try to look at your work in a new light and, if I end up hating the new Transformers film, I will make sure to say a quiet prayer of thanks that at least it wasn't Impact.

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