Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Transformers Liveblog

Here we are, June 24, the premiere day of Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. I saw an advance screening a couple days ago but, instead of reviewing it, I've decided to do this in the form of a liveblog. One stipulation of the advance screening was that you could not bring in electronic devices. HA! Like I wasn't going to do that. Now I'm going to liveblog the crap out of this movie. I'm really nervous though. Some dude with a flashlight keeps walking by and I have to hide this iPhone when he does. I think this makes me the same as those people sending messages out of Iran. Anyway, here's my very first liveblog.

00:45 -- I know I'm less than a minute in but, so far, this movie is a huge disappointment. I expect more than this from Michael Bay. Right now the word "Transformers" is just hovering on the screen and WOAH! OH MY GOD I take it back. The screen exploded and the words "Revenge of the Fallen" are up there now.

02:15 -- We're on an aircraft carrier. Some seaman is getting dressed down by his CPO for parking a forktruck in front of a door. Seaman insists he didn't do it. Why does this idiot think his CPO will believe such an obvious lie?

03:30 -- Man, they keep focusing on that stupid forktruck. What the hell is Bay thinking? "Ooh, I bet there are loads of forktruck enthusiasts out there. I'll make this story all about forktrucks."

04:20 -- Finally, the seaman is going to move the damn truck. Maybe now this stupid story can start moving when the truck does.

05:00 -- OH MY GOD OH MY GOD!!!! You will never believe this. I mean you will never EVER believe this. You know that forktruck I've been talking about? IT WAS A TRANSFORMER THE WHOLE TIME! I never saw that coming. Who the hell could have predicted it? Michael Bay's a genius!

06:00 -- That Transformer is moving through the aircraft carrier now. He must be one of the bad Transformers, the Evilobots or whatever they're called. It's destroying everything. I have no idea what's going on but his arms turned into guns and lots of stuff is blowing up.

07:30 -- Still don't know why the hell that happened. The editing was so choppy that it was hard to focus on anything but so much cool stuff happened that I really don't care. The movie has cut to Shia LeBeouf's Sam character and his parents.

08:00 -- Sam's endless arguments with his parents are just as exciting now as they were in the first movie. I hope at least half this movie is about Sam's conflicts with his parents.

09:45 -- Megan Fox is on now half dressed and provocatively bending over stuff. In a dramatic break from the first film, however, this time we're seeing her bend over from the back instead of the front. Not many actresses are versatile enough to pull this off. I wonder if she even knew Michael Bay was shooting her from that angle. I bet she didn't. If she had, she certainly would've tried to be a bit more modest instead of arching her back and sticking her ass up the way she is. Poor Megan Fox!

11:00 -- I must not be paying attention cause I don't know what the hell is going on. This is clearly my fault and not Michael Bay's.

12:00 -- Oh no, the usher saw my phone. I told him my mom was on life support and wanted me to send her messages about the movie. He either bought it or went to get the manager.

13:30 -- Shia LeBeouf is mumbling a bunch of nonsense now about alien equations in his head. I don't get it. This writing must be so deep that it's going right over my head. Why do you even care about this stuff when giant robots are your buddies and Megan Fox is your girlfriend?

15:00 -- Damn, they're throwing me out. Stuff just started blowing up again too. I don't know why but does it matter?

Well, there you have it. Sorry I couldn't be more complete but you wouldn't have wanted me to spoil the whole movie anyway. I think you'll agree with me that all those one star reviews are wrong and that Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen will be the coolest movie ever. Hope to see you there.

(It's too bad I can't actually see this until Friday. I can't wait to see how much of the stuff I made up is actually in the movie.)

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