So there I was, minding my own business when I see that the Hannah Montana movie is available on Netflix streaming. At first I thought, "Cool, I can watch it and make fun of it," but then I thought, "What if I die as soon as it ends and everyone sees that the last thing I did was watch the Hannah Montana movie?" Because I am truly a brave soul, I rolled the dice, survived and clicked on Evil Dead II so now that is the last item in my Netflix queue. Pretty much as soon as the movie started, I realized there wasn't much point in doing a traditional review. The movie isn't for me. It was designed for people considerably younger and more female and they seemed to like it. Michael Clear writing a review of Hannah Montana is like having an 11 year old girl write a review of Rashomon. There's no point.
Instead, I'm simply going to do something more like a liveblog. I'll watch it and record my observations in real time. Yes, the whole movie will be spoiled though if anyone reading this is upset by that, you probably aren't a regular reader and clicked on this site by accident when you Googled "Hannah Montana." If so, I suggest you click off before I do the joke about Miley Cyrus doing it with a horse.
0:00:12 -- Movie's rated G. Cool, though I guess this means there will be few to no scenes of Miley Cyrus doing it with a horse (told you to click off). Unless that's something that's a perfectly normal part of farming of which I am unaware in which case the movie could be 75% horse screwing. Can't wait to find out.
0:01:00 -- There's an arena which I assume is the venue for a Hannah Montana concert. Oddly, it looks like everyone got there at once since people in the parking lot are pouring out of their vehicles simultaneously. If you don't know, the premise of this movie is that Hannah Montana, a top level pop star, takes off her blond wig and becomes Miley, a normal teenage girl. According to Wikipedia, our celebrity obsessed world is fooled by this.
0:19:00 -- In the past 18 minutes, we have discovered that Miley's fame has turned her into a huge bitch. To correct this, her dad has tricked her into returning to the backwater shithole she grew up in to get her back in touch with her values.
0:23:00 -- Miley got kicked off a horse (not because she was trying to have sex with it, turns out it's not that kind of movie) but gets saved by a young cowboy named Travis who is SO ADORABLE OH MY GOD! They don't seem to get along, a situation I assume will not change.
0:26:00 -- Miley finally gets to her grandmother's house where the band Rascal Flatts just happens to be hanging out and jamming. I guess things like that happen in the country.
0:38:00 -- Oh no, some evil paparazzo knows Hannah is in town. Miley tricks him into eating some sort of super hot sauce, an act that could have severely injured him. Was that supposed to be funny? I guess. If you have a kid who's seen this movie, they now think feeding you mega watt hot sauce is an acceptable and safe prank so don't trust the little bastards ever again. She also made the guy trip on some walnuts two minutes later, another hilarious act that could easily have resulted in grievous injury or death. When the guy meets Miley, he doesn't recognize her even though she looks just like Hannah Montana sans the blond wig. The Hannah Montana-verse is a strange, scary place to me.
0:48:00 -- Some evil guy is trying to build a strip mall right there in Jerkwater USA so they're having some sort of benefit to stop him. Personally I think this place could benefit from being paved over but that's just me. Taylor Swift, who also seems to live in this godforsaken town, is performing. Biggest celebrity I've ever seen wandering around was the guy who played Riker on Star Trek. This was at an airport. Apparently one must go to towns with a population that could fit in your pocket to meet celebrities.
0:51:00 -- Miley gets up on stage and says, "If you guys don't mind, I'm going to add a little hip hop to this hoedown." MILEY, NO! You can't add hip hop to a hoedown. They tried that in the 90s. People died! I can't look.
0:53:00 -- Wow, she did it. Amazingly the band and backup singers needed no rehearsal whatsoever. Also, everyone on the dance floor managed to pick up dance steps on the first try.
1:30:00 -- Oh look, movie's almost over. After various episodic hijinks that included Miley building the world's gayest chicken coop, Hannah pulls off the blond wig in the middle of a benefit meant to save the town and sings some dumb song called "The Climb" about how it doesn't matter how your journey ends, all that matters is the journey itself. All I know is if I go to the trouble of climbing a damn mountain, there had better be ice cream on the top. Anyway, somewhere in the neighborhood of 10,000 people just saw Miley reveal herself but they all agree to keep her secret. Seriously. This includes the paparazzo who's been trying to expose her the whole movie. He even quits his job. This makes everything that happened previously seem sane and reasonable but at least the movie's over.