Friday, April 30, 2010

Michael Clear, Interactive Strategist

I wrote yesterday about a guy who calls himself an Interactive Strategist. Thing is, I can't find anyone who knows what the hell an Interactive Strategist is and I asked several people as well as all my Twitter and Facebook friends. That's hundreds of people and no one either A) knew or B) cared enough to tell me. I'm awesome so it must be A. I could just Google it but that seems like giving up to me. I Google everything, up to and including how to spell Google. (I thought it was Gewgle until just now when I Googled it.) No, I want to find this out without using the internet and, since this doesn't seem possible, I have decided to take the opportunity to define what it is myself. I started calling myself an Interactive Strategist, made note of everything I did for an entire day and simply added everything to my new broad definition of the term. I will now review my notes and see what to leave in and what to leave out. I guess you could say this is my interactive strategy.
  1. Made egg/bacon/bagel sandwich for breakfast. Yum. Was any part of that action something that could be defined as interacting or strategizing? Maybe but I if I leave that in people will think an Interactive Strategist is a breakfast chef so it's out along with the tuna sandwich I had for lunch and the dinner that, while not yet prepared as of this writing, will probably consist of baked chicken, garden salad and, depending on my mood, a dinner roll.
  2. I started introducing myself to people as an Interactive Strategist to see if they would treat me differently. This turned out to be a huge error as most people asked me what that was. I eventually came up with some B.S. about collecting data and applying it in such a way that paradigms are properly evaluated and altered. This caused people to smile and say, "Oh, okay," before walking away. As that bit of corporate gibberish accomplished my goal, it is now in as part of the definition.
  3. I received a speeding ticket and tried to get out of it by saying I was on my way to someone who needed something interactively strategized right away. Before I could get to the stuff about paradigms and data, the cop insinuated that he'd taze me if I didn't move along. This tells me that whatever an Interactive Strategist is, it does not intimidate law enforcement. That's important to know so it's in.
  4. I hesitated to tell co-workers that I was now an Interactive Strategist as I was afraid they might to try to find new duties to add to my job. Still, I figured I was all-in on this so I told them my new title as well as the stuff about data and paradigms. Most people wanted to know if this meant I now had to do some of their paperwork but my boss said he was impressed with the way I was proactively embracing a Manichean construct of the 21st century business model. I have no more idea of what that means but that was par for the course so I'm leaving it in because it scored points with my boss. I'm just hoping I didn't say anything that made him think I would work over the weekend.
  5. I tried to pick up a woman by telling her I was an Interactive Strategist. She asked if that paid well and I said, "Sure, I guess," so she gave me her phone number. I'm conditionally adding "pays well" to the definition but will take it out if this doesn't eventually lead to at least a handjob.
So, according to my careful scientific analysis, an Interactive Strategist is some middle management corporate douche who doesn't particularly impress anyone but does get laid a lot if his salary is high enough. That's a load off my mind.

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