No Fear

If you read Roger Ebert's site or follow him on Twitter, you know he had quite a weekend. First, he gave Kick-Ass one star, an opinion based almost entirely on the fact that one of the main characters is a violent sociopath who is also a little girl. Said little girl not only mercilessly kills literally dozens of men but also ends up getting beaten up herself. For some reason, Roger Ebert thought this was a bad thing. Obviously, the reason he did this is because he doesn't get it. That seemed to be the general consensus of the mega awesome people who did get it, anyway. This consensus ranged from people like Harry Knowles on AICN to @JackNOff69 on Twitter who spammed Ebert with messages like, "u suk old man," and, "U RLY FKIN SUK OLD MAN!!!! >:(" God only knows what @JackNOff69 would have done if he'd had more than 140 characters. The world is probably lucky that it will never know.

Anyway, Ebert looked at the storm he had created and said, "Not enough. Oh Lord, when will it be enough?" so he decided to post this gem on his blog stating that videogames, by their very nature, can never be art. In addition to the 1700+ comments it has generated on the blog itself, comments which again range between, "u suk old man," and, "Hello? Do you even PLAY videogames? Blow it out your ass. u suk," there have been, according to Google, over 1 bazillion responses from just about anyone and anything even remotely connected to videogames.

Roger Ebert cares about all this negative criticism as much as he cares about the negative criticism he gets from right wingers who call him a Commie because he makes pro health reform comments and only Karl Marx would want health care to be cheap and accessible. In other words, he doesn't care at all. In fact, he seemed to be excited to be at the center of all this controversy. Well, you know what? I also like being at the center of controversy. Let's see which of these following inflammatory statements gets me the most page views and hate mails.

ANYONE WHO LIKES STAR WARS IS A DIPSHIT -- Seriously people, Star Wars? For 30 years now you Force-heads have been yammering on about some douchebag named Luke and how it's so fucking awesome that he can manipulate a universal energy field to move oil cans with his mind. Grow the hell up and find something to do besides spending your weekends walking around convention centers dressed as Boba Fett so you can see the guy who played Storm Trooper #5 talk about the time he and George Lucas snorted coke off each others asses.

ONLY PEOPLE WITH ARTICHOKES FOR BRAINS USE FACEBOOK -- But I kid. Where else would people let their "friends" know that "THIS WEEKEND IS GONNA FUKIN ROK!!!!!!!" Also, it truly is the height of class to post pictures of yourself drinking vodka through a funnel. And hey, all you girls who post images of yourselves making out with another girl? That's so god damn shocking and original that only EVERY GIRL OUT THERE DOES IT! Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go tend to my crops and find a lost fucking cow, neither of which is anything resembling THE LAMEST GODDAMN THING THAT ANYONE HAS EVER DONE EVER. Here's my status update for the day: "Kiss my ass."

JOSS WHEDON SUCKS -- There's a portion of the population that considers Joss Whedon to be the greatest creative mind that television has ever had and ever will have. Those people are known as drooling chowder heads. Have you people ever heard of a little show called Lost? Helloooo! The worst episode of that show is better than anything Whedon's ever done and proves that Joss Whedon isn't worthy of licking J.J. Abrams' ballsack. And isn't it about time we all admitted that the Emperor has no clothes unless those clothes have vampires in them? Sure, Buffy and Angel had decent runs but what's he done since then? Firefly? I guess I have to concede to Whedon fanboys that it does take true genius to make a show that gets canceled after 13 episodes. Dollhouse was good, though, if you enjoy dark and confusing shows that make you want to slash your wrists. It did go a whole 27 episodes despite record low ratings that makes one wonder who the hell Joss Whedon had to blow to get the network to OK 27 episodes.

Okay, one of those two should provoke the desired effect. If my inbox doesn't fill up with mail calling me an out of touch bastard who just doesn't get it then neither I, the writer, nor you, the reader, have done our jobs. I wish to thank Roger Ebert for showing me the true path to success, that being, "There's no such thing as bad publicity so long as you spell the name right."