Tuesday, April 27, 2010

The Up-Chuck Plan

The Back-up Plan decided to waste no time to start annoying the crap out of me. The opening credits are couched into a stupid animated sequence in which animated Jennifer Lopez walks through animated New York City seeing babies everywhere. You can tell the woman is supposed to be Jennifer Lopez because animated woman is stick thin and Jennifer Lopez is famously curvy so...yeah.

We are then treated to a scene in which Jennifer Lopez' character, Zoe, is meeting with her fertility doctor played by Robert Klein. During this scene, we learn that Robert Klein should never again be allowed to utter the line, "I'm looking at your cervix." We also learn that everyone in Zoe's life is a complete idiot. Her best friend with four kids tries to talk her out of having kids and utters the next stupid line of dialogue, that being, "You want to see my vagina? I'll show you my vagina." We also see Zoe having the most uncomfortable conversation in history when she asks her best male friend/co-worker for his sperm, a request he treats with the sensitivity of a molerat. On her way out of the fertility doctor, she meets Stan (Alex O'Laughlin). She and Stan instantly hate each other after fighting over a cab in the rain yet they keep running into each other. This all happens in about eight munutes and is topped off by one of those generic movie songs that I think is sung by Jennifer Lopez herself. Oh, she has a dog on wheels. Seriously.

At this point, any more explanation of the plot is pointless if you've ever seen any other romantic comedy ever made. The whole thing could have been written by a computer and, judging by the quality of the jokes, it was. However, the review is a little short so I may as well write a little more.

Zoe owns a pet store and Stan sells goat cheese at farmers markets. Judging by their lifestyles, I'd say both of those professions pay $875,000 a year. She lives in a big New York apartment and he rents out a gorgeous garden terrace for their first date which goes horribly wrong in a way that involves fire but she likes him even more so I guess I'll set my dinner table on fire next time I take a woman out for the first time. Zoe neglects to tell Stan that she's pregnant and...okay, that's enough. Don't worry, I won't reveal the "surprise" ending.

I haven't seen a comedy this bad in a while. I can usually say I laughed a few times during the worst comedy but I can't say that anymore since this is now the definition of "the worst comedy" and I can't recall laughing. Not once. Not even a small chuckle. Wait, there was a scene where a little kid ate sand. I chuckled. Then I stopped and after that there was silence not only from my own seat but from the rest of the theater. I have to wonder if anyone thought to bring up that this wasn't funny while it was being made. Maybe every member of the cast and crew thought it must be just them and that everyone else thought they were making something wildly hilarious.

Anyway, there's the latest in a several years long string of romcom stinkers. I'm sure next one will be good. Next month we have Amanda Seyfried in Letter To Juliet, a movie with a trailer that didn't make me laugh which obviously means they're saving all the funny parts for people who go see it. Right?

OH WAIT, THE WATER BIRTH. I can't believe I almost forgot the lesbian water birth. Connoisseurs of bad movies will talk for years about the lesbian water birth scene. It was supposed to be funny. I can see how it was supposed to be funny. Film schools will present this as an example of how to take a situation rife with comic potential and stomp all the comic potential out of it.

All right, that's it. Too many words have been wasted and too many lives lost talking about The Back-up Plan.

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