Thursday, April 1, 2010

Look At My Briefs -- 4/1/10

It is my sad duty to report that I am shutting this site down. HA! April Fool! That's a great way to start off another edition of brief comments on various subjects I like to call Look At My Briefs.

I fully agree with Chloe Sevigny that this season of Big Love wasn't their best which is my way of saying that it was really a low point for that show. The various plotline involved, among other things, Bill Henrickson, the head of a Utah polygamist family, chasing a crazy religious vision of being elected to Utah's State Senate in order to promote acceptance of his lifestyle. I found the whole thing unrealistic and annoying although I was surprised to see Chloe Sevigny publicly criticize her own show like that. I was not, however, the least bit surprised to see her walk the whole thing back a few days later. I assume this happened when her paycheck arrived in the mail and she noticed that the producers of Big Love had dotted all the "I's" on the check with either frowns or angry faces. I would have thought that the woman who did that scene in The Brown Bunny, you know the one I mean, would have more guts but a girl's gotta eat. On the other hand, anyone who ever saw The Brown Bunny knows what Chloe Sevigny likes to eat...let's stop there.

I see the guy who adapted L. Ron Hubbard's Battlefield Earth for the big screen is tired of people throwing rocks at him as he passes by and has written an apology for having a hand in one of the stupidest movies ever made. He doesn't exactly throw himself on the sword, of course, and tries to talk about how the sheer awesomeness of his original screenplay was destroyed by everyone on the planet who's not him. It's hard to tell who did what in situations like this. Get Shorty is an excellent example of the reverse happening. I vividly remember the number of people who stepped up to try and take credit for the critical and financial success of Get Shorty. John Travolta, Danny DeVito and director Barry Sonenfeld all talked about how they took that awful, awful script and turned it into the masterpiece of goody good filmosity. In the case of Battlefield Earth, I've yet to see John Travolta brag that his stellar script remaking powers were responsible for that movie.

V started back up on Tuesday and it's still trying to see if it can out-stupid itself. For a specific example, I present the scene in which Elizabeth Mitchell's FBI character goes on the hunt for an internationally wanted mercenary. How does she find him? She looks at an FBI database that no one else ever thought to look at and, wouldn't you know, his address was right there. That is now in a big dumb competition with the alien/human hybrid storyline and the fact that no one on the whole damn Earth seems to be the least bit curious about the history of the V's.

What? A Miley Cyrus movie made from a Nicholas Sparks novel is getting bad reviews? What are the odds? Turns out the odds are pretty damn good. I'm scared to review this now. What would happen if I ended up liking it? People would wonder how many times I had masturbated during the movie, that's what. I'll go see the dull, dark remake of Clash of the Titans instead. That couldn't possibly be bad.

Doctor Who premieres this Saturday in England and you know what I won't be doing? I won't be sitting right here at this computer tapping into the BBC's web feed with a proxy server, that's what. That would be wrong. I'll just torrent it instead. Everyone's cool with that, right?

Someone purported to be a professional humorist wrote this headline.

I don't like predicting the future but I will boldly state that if I am ever busted for illegally downloading a movie it sure as fuck will NOT be for a goddamn Uwe Boll film. I would set up a server devoted to giving free digital copies of Alvin and the Chipmunks: the Squeakquel before anyone would ever accuse me of sneezing in the direction of anything even vaguely connected to the guy who made Bloodrayne.

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