Friday, July 9, 2010

Bloody Awful

If you read this yesterday, you already know about an upcoming parody of the Twilight films called Vampires Suck. While I made my feelings well known on the movie's potential yesterday, I see this as an opportunity to do something I haven't done since February, that being Movies I Haven't Seen. I'm not really reviewing the movie, of course. I'm reviewing the trailer but I think I can make an excellent case against this movie based on the fact that A) the trailer sucks and B) every other movie made by this creative team has, to varying degrees, sucked. But hey, don't take my word for it. Watch the trailer for yourself.

EMBED-Vampires Suck - Watch more free videos

And...scene. What have we learned today? We've learned that a good parody film may be the most difficult type of movie to make. This is evidenced by the fact that the only really good ones have been made by Mel Brooks and the team of the Zucker Brothers and Jim Abrahams (the guys who made Airplane) and anyone who saw An American Carol knows that at least one of the Zucker brothers can't do it anymore. Still, I haven't seen the movie. Maybe it's funny, but the trailer (most of it anyway) sure as hell isn't

The trailer starts off with a bit of promise. I chuckled when Bella cut her finger and Jasper tied a bib around his neck but they promptly remove all the comedic promise out of the scene by doing something that is standard for the people who made Date Movie and Epic Movie. Another standard trick is to have celebrity lookalikes show up on screen and do, well, nothing. I'm fairly certain I'm supposed to laugh when Bella says, "Who's that?" and we see the cast of Jersey Shore but I'll be damned if I can figure out why we're supposed to laugh. The Jersey Shore cast just stands there doing nothing as does the Lady Gaga lookalike later on. That gimmick is a lot of things, none of which is funny.

Another huge comedy black hole that this crew loves to do in all their movie is to recreate scenes from other movies and add slapstick violence. In the trailer, you see Alice in Wonderland wandering the woods only to get shot by Edward. This can't be accurately described as, "not funny." Anti-comedy would be a good term for it as it seems to be actively trying not to get laughs.

One more thing: Ken Jeong, why? Was the money that good? Did they get every swimsuit model in Hollywood to blow you simultaneously? It's just a shame that you had to be the only recognizable face in this abomination.

To sum up, the people who made Date Movie, Epic Movie, Disaster Movie and Here Come The Spartans took all the lame crap they did in those movies, repackaged it and slapped in the Twilight characters. This has no chance of being good. Nada. Zip. Less than zero. Less than negative zero, if that's possible. If I'm wrong, I'll never know because life is too short for me to waste on even a free Netflix viewing. One piece of good news is that they're releasing this in August where it will face some actual competition as opposed to dumping it in theaters in September or January where the only movies it has to worry about are new Katherine Heigl comedies and documentaries about lamps. Maybe, just maybe, this will actually lose money and the douchenozzles who make this garbage won't be allowed to make movies anymore. We can only hope.

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