Thursday, July 8, 2010

Look At My Briefs -- 7/8/10

As the nation swelters under record heat waves, only two truly effective methods for beating the heat have emerged. One, you can shake your fist at the sky and yell, "DAMN YOU, AL GORE. YOU JUST HAD TO PROVE YOU WERE RIGHT. SCREW YOU!" until you pass out and sleep until September. The only other proven and peer-reviewed method is reading my brief comments on various subjects I like to call Look At My Briefs.

There's a trailer out for a Twilight parody movie I've mentioned before. Sadly, it was made by the same bottom feeders who made crap, unfunny products like Epic Movie and Date Movie. These asswipes think it's the height of comedy to recreate a scene from a movie, like Giselle from Enchanted entering our world, and then simply adding a scene where Giselle gets run over by a car. Ha ha. In my extremely not-so-humble opinion, there hasn't been a really good parody movie since Naked Gun and that was over 20 years ago. Anyway, you can watch the trailer here and see if this new one will break the 20 year losing streak. My assessment: anyone who's read my reviews of all three Twilight films knows that I hate them with a passion normally reserved for Nazi war criminals but I would willingly be strapped to a chair and have my eyes pried open Clockwork Orange style and watch all three of those again before I'd ever want to see this godawful piece of crap. Perhaps you will have a different opinion.

Predators comes out tomorrow and my gut tells me again and again that a sequel to a 20 year old action film can't possibly be good. However, as a man of science, I must allow the possibility that my preconceived notions are wrong. The fact that Robert Rodriguez is behind it and a 91% score on the Tomatometer tell me to open my mind and NO NO NO IT'S GONNA SUCK IT'S GONNA SUCK AAAAHHHHH. All right, I'm done ADRIEN FUCKING BRODY AS AN ACTION GUY? WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE TALKING TO? Gah, gotta stop that.

Based on his resistance to 3D conversion, Zack Snyder is now the greatest guy ever. 3D isn't all that great but anyone who's seen Clash of the Titans or The Last Airbender knows it's 70MM Cinemascope compared to the 9th circle of Hell that is 3D conversion.

If you read conservative blogs like Big Hollywood, you may have heard of Bill Whittle. His bio there lists him as a screenwriter and director but either he's far too humble to list any of his accomplishments in those fields or he has none. Still, that hasn't stopped him from creating Declaration Entertainment. This company claims it wants to take the movie industry away from the liberals who run Hollywood and have been forever tainted with the stank of foreign capital. How will he do this? By parting fools from their money, of course. He's quite literally asking for donations to finance his movies though he makes no indication as to who gets to keep the profits. My guess is they go to a charitable organization called the Buy Bill Whittle Lots Of Cool Stuff Foundation. I encourage you to read the synopses of proposed film projects that include a warmed over Robert Heinlein tale and a story about a man doing battle against Mexican caricatures. If these sound cool to you, you can make a donation and even get special benefits if you give more than $10,000. Donate $100,000 and you get some really awesome stuff like a plaque and a signed poster. That's good because if you were to use that money to finance an actual Hollywood film, all you would potentially get is a hefty return on your investment.

Oh, I shouldn't be so snarky. After all, if there's a anyone you can trust to take a hundred thousand bucks and turn it into a great movie, it's the guy with this hilarious IMDB profile.

And now, food for thought: as you're reading this, there's an up and coming director agreeing to helm the next Step Up sequel who has blotted from his memory the vow he made in film school to never sell out or compromise his principles.

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