Friday, February 4, 2011

Bizarro World Movie Reviews -- The Roommate

Today, I realized what was wrong with the world and what the source of all our problems is. I learned how to halt the seemingly unstoppable downward spiral that will eventually doom humanity. When you realize the answer, it's so simple that you fail to understand how you could have missed it. So where did I find this answer? Maybe it was some lost book of the Bible I found in my backyard or maybe I met a wise man on a mountaintop who has devoted his entire life to this answer but no, it's neither of those. I found it in a movie. That's right. The key to happiness and salvation was found in some little film that everyone expects will suck. I doubt the studio releasing it knows what they have which is why they didn't make it available for critic screenings. They probably think it's just some dumb thriller with young television stars aimed at pulling in the high school/college crowd. Little do they know how The Roommate will change everything.

Yes, that's right, The Roommate is what will pull our unworthy asses out of the fire. I know what you're thinking. "Mike, isn't that the movie that rips off Single White Female? How could that possibly be any good?" That shows how shortsighted you are. The Roommate will save us all because it rips off Single White Female. We spend so much time trying to figure out the problems that plague the majority of our lives. How will we pay our bills or put our kids through college? Does that girl or guy I like even know I'm alive? Am I living in the Matrix? Is that squirrel staring at me because it's attracted to me and, if so, how do I get it to stop? These are the questions that haunt us late at night when we're trying to pleasure ourselves but we can't, damn it, because you just know that squirrel is out there lusting after you.

Well guess what folks! We now have The Roommate. There isn't a damn thing to figure out there. We already know what's going to happen. Some socially awkward, slightly unbalanced girl becomes roommates with another girl, becomes obsessed with her, moves into more and more areas of her life before a climactic fight scene where the stalker ends up dead. See? I haven't even seen it and I already know what happens, a fact that won't stop me from watching it again and again. What the hell am I supposed to watch? Inception? Why the hell was that top spinning? Was his wife really dead? How many frigging dreams were there anyway? AAAHHHHH!!!! That won't happen when you see The Roommate. You buy that ticket and sit down with your popcorn and put your mind totally at ease. Take a nap if you want. Talk on the phone even. No one will complain. What's going to happen? Are your fellow audience members going to miss some key plot point or essential line of dialogue? Is some thrilling action scene going to occur full of unexpected twists and surprises? Of course not. I already told you what's going to happen. Everyone who watches The Roommate will know exactly what's going to happen. That's what's so great about it.

Our society is in chaos. The Roommate is a model of order. No one knows what's going to happen tomorrow but we all know exactly what's going to happen in The Roommate. Life is a series of ups and downs but The Roommate is a masterpiece of consistency. It is The Roommate that shows us the way forward. We can all follow its example and eliminate unpredictability from the world. Life will be boring but at least it won't end. We will know exactly what we're going to do when we wake up and exactly what our dreams will be when we go to sleep. Is this some impossible dream? Ask the guy who had the idea to rip off Single White Female. Everyone laughed at him and said it couldn't be done and yet, here we are.

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