Thursday, February 24, 2011

Look At My Briefs -- 2/24/11

A little known World War II story is Hitler's successful operation to change the world's calendars so that February would only have 28 days. That means this is the last Thursday of February and thus, the final February edition of my brief comments on various subjects I like to call Look At My Briefs.

The producers of Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark have finally figured out that the source of all their problems might be that they need a script.

You've probably seen that trailer for the game Dead Island by now. If you have, you should know that you and the millions of others who raved about it have succeeded in convincing Hollywood to turn it into a movie. This is really good news since the one thing our society needs is another zombie story and movies based on video games are always good.

Maybe there's a reason people keep calling you an asshole. I have nothing against Justin Timberlake, mind you, but if people keep calling you that, maybe there's a reason in the same way there was a reason people called me fat before I lost weight.

I find myself excited at the idea of a dark version of Pinocchio directed by Guillermo del Toro. As del Toro himself says, the idea of clean, safe and sanitized fairy tales is a fairly recent event in human history. Kids in previous eras used to hear stories of Little Red Riding Hood in which that little moron Red ended up in the belly of the wolf without a friendly woodsman saving her at the last minute. It was good for them to hear this as it took their minds of the fact that everyone around them was dying of the plague. I hope that del Toro knows that, despite the fact that it will get a PG and maybe a PG-13 rating, some doofus parents will place on del Toro 100% of the blame that they took their six year old to it and that the kid had a nightmare.

Every few years, some company tries to do something like take Kate Winslet's nude scene out of Titanic and then sell it to people who think boobies make the baby Jesus cry. The latest attempt at this comes from Family Edited DVDs Inc, or used to come from them anyway. As anyone who knew the legal version of their ass from their elbow could have told you, this is obviously illegal and was doomed to be shot down. I don't know what these people would do if they made movies and someone else started altering them for a profit but my guess is they wouldn't be cool with it. To all the bluenoses out there, you have my sincerest condolences for the fact that you all are stuck with Fireproof and Letters From God and various other unwatchable Christian films but that's the way it is. You can broaden your tastes or deal with your lot in life. On that note, I'd like to announce my new project called Clear and Dirty Inc. in which I take movies like Fireproof and add foul language and hardcore sex scenes. First up, I'm going to take Ben Stein's pro-Creationist documentary Expelled and change it into a flattering look at the life of Richard Dawkins. I'm sure the family friendly crown won't mind.

I love this story about Groucho Marx so much, I want to have sex with it. Is such a thing socially acceptable yet or do I have to wait till next year?

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