Thursday, February 17, 2011

Look At My Briefs -- 2/17/11

I like it when mid-February rolls around. It means the long, dark month of January is over and big studio movies, while not necessarily good, will probably be better than anything you've seen since Christmas. Mid-February is also a great time for another edition of my brief comments on various subjects I like to call Look At My Briefs.

OK, not all the movies you will see this time of year will be better than the movies shown in the previous six weeks. For example, as of this writing Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son is clocking it at a rousing zero percent on the Tomatometer. I hope it stays that way. Oh, not for any vindictive motive. I want it to stay at zero for their sake. Getting zero percent is as uncommon as getting 100% and would be quite an achievement if they can sustain it at least until tomorrow when even more reviews come in and are added to the score. I'm pulling for you, guys.

Hey Coen brothers, if you two make a horror movie, I will suck your dicks. Seriously. A horror movie made by two is one of the things I now live for so yeah, going the gay route would be a small price to pay. Any way you want it. I can take you both on at the same time if that's what you're into. One of you could watch me with the other one. Whatever you want, I'll do it. Just make the movie.

The cinematic adaptation of Atlas Shrugged is sad looking when you consider it was once primed to be a big studio project with Angelina Jolie as Dagny Taggart. I, of course, will always think of it as that boring book I was forced to read in high school no matter how many reality challenged people try to spin it as some sort of great work of literature and a cheat code manual to the game of life. I've heard it only cost $5 million to make so it will probably avoid the money losing fate of An American Carol, the right's last attempt to take over Hollywood. And hey, it's in three parts, one of which, if it's faithful to the book, will be consumed by a long, droning speech so that should fill the movie theater seats.

I, for one, am absolutely shocked at the Justin Bieber movie is being pirated. I mean, only every other movie from Avatar to the pornographic satire of Avatar gets pirated but I was sure the Justin Bieber movie would be spared. I fully agree with The Examiner columnist who blamed the parents of the movie's youthful audience. I can't believe that their kids did this as, normally, they would have done it themselves.

Speaking of the Beebs, His Royal Hairness has decided to express political opinions. It takes either someone very brave or very ignorant of the consequences to do something like that but I'm sure a 16 year old would be fully aware of this and would definitely possess the wisdom and maturity required to handle whatever sort of fallout he experiences from this interview. if nothing else, I'm looking forward to the schizophrenic Big Hollywood articles applauding him for his anti-abortion stance while calling him a typical Hollywood know-nothing for calling America evil because of its health care policies.

There used to be a little theater near me that mostly showed second run or small indie films. I used to love going there not just for the movies but because the owners also had a restaurant in the same building and you could order things like beer battered fish and chips instead of just over priced popcorn and soda. I thought of this when I read this Cinematical article about movie theater snacks outside the USA. The place closed when the owner retired and moved to Florida. I know expanding the menu at your average multiplex would be a pain but, if they did, I know I would probably pay rent to live in their lobby. You may say I'm a dreamer...

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