Friday, November 28, 2008

The Elements Of Style

During my day off yesterday, when I out with family and friends or by myself in the dark doing horrific things*, I had time to reflect on the fact that I have been doing this for almost a year now. In that time, I've learned some important things about writing your own movie web site that would probably be helpful to anyone else out there thinking about doing something like this. Oh, I'm not going to cover the obvious stuff. There are loads of sites with helpful writing and blogging tips out there that are just a Google** away. Instead, I'm going to comment on the less obvious stuff that all those other sites seam to have missed.
  • If you are planning to criticize a movie starring a beautiful, sexy girl like Odette Yustman, please keep in mind that there are many men covering a wide age and class range that have devoted their lives to masturbating to Odette Yustman and girls like her. This means that, when you write a post that simultaneously contains the search terms Odette Yustman, shower and naked, a lot of these guys are going to show up looking for something other than movie commentary.
  • Another good way to get people looking for something that isn't there is to give your post a title that has the same name as a famous porn film from the 70s.
  • You may think it's funny to take your review of a vampire movie set in Norway and give it the title Skumringen which is the Norweigian word for Twilight. Get it? Norweigian Twilight for Norweigian vampires? Yeah, you may think it's funny but no one else on the planet will. It is an excellent way to confuse Norweigians if confusing Norweigians is something you enjoy doing, but that's about it.
  • Spammers can actually leave intelligent and relevant comments so don't automatically rush to delete those comments from people trying to sell you fake money for online multi-player games or the guys who say they can extend the length of your penis by three inches.
  • If you jokingly say that spermicidal lube was invented by a guy named Jedidiah Twilight, you will get an extensive email correcting you on that statement as well as giving you more information on spermicidal lube than you ever wanted to know. Trust me, this WILL happen.
  • From time to time, espeially if your little hobby blog only has a small number of regular readers, be sure to thank those readers and tell them that they are the finest people the world has to offer...something I have never, ever done. I'd do it now, but it would seem fake.
And that's about it. Hope you Americans are enjoying your long Thanksgiving holiday weekend and I hope you poor, unfortunate foreigners don't get too jealous of those of us here in America, the birthplace of Jesus. I'd like to take this time to thank my regular readers and tell you that you are the finest people this planet has to offer***.

*I was playing Wrath Of The Lich King.

**That would be the Google Search Engine Internet Web Site to you older people.

***I'm taking a gamble that at least some of you have short term memory problems.


Pauline said...

So every time you thanked me, you were faking it???

Michael Clear said...

No no, not at all. And thank you so very much. You're awesome.