Monday, November 24, 2008

The Ungood

It's been a while since I've done Movies I Haven't Seen and for good reason. The concept here is I review an unreleased movie that is obviously going to suck and warn the world, thus making the planet safe for democracy. The problem is that, occasionally, a movie is a victim of poor marketing (for instance, I liked Role Models even though I hated its ads) that I'm scared to go after anything that isn't really sucky fruit hanging low off a really sucky tree. This means my targets so far have been Larry the Cable Guy, Dane Cook and, of course, An American Carol.

The Unborn, however, is not a 100% surefire disaster. I'd say the odds of it being good are 99 bazillion to one against, but this could be the one out of the 99 bazillion. Before we go any further, let's watch the trailer:

So, what did we learn? First off, the idea that the world's most dangerous profession is to be a beautiful, female babysitter working alone has once again been affirmed. In this case, the babysitter is played by Cloverfield babe Odette Yustman who plays a girl named Casey who, after being overpowered by a four year old, decides to go for a soothing jog. It must be extremely important to the plot that we see her in the shower though how seeing her naked advances the story at all was not revealed in the trailer. I know because I looked at that part over and over trying to glean what must have been the relevant plot point. Anyway, Casey is obviously not one of those girls who obsesses over herself in the mirror since she managed to get into her early 20s without ever noticing that her eyes were different colors. A doctor tells her this can happen with twins but OH DEAR GOD SHE'S AN ONLY CHILD.

But no, it turns out she is not an only child. She had a twin brother who died in the womb which, ordinarily, would have been the end of that except that the dead twin has now returned as some sort of demon kid played by a very lucky young man who got paid to grope Odette Yustman while she was sleeping.

This is when we see "From Producer Michael Bay" a name synonymous with quality, assuming you think that "quality" means "huge hits that routinely wind up on Ten Worst Movies Of The Year lists." This is the first blow of a One-Two Punch the movie receives, the second being, "And David S. Goyer, co writer of Batman Begins and the Dark Knight". Well, okay, that sounds good until you discover that Goyer is actually directing this movie, not just writing it. As a director, Goyer has treated us to such cinematic gems as The Invisible (I don't know what that is and I don't want to know) and Blade: Trinity, the movie that destroyed the Blade series and was such a trauma for Wesley Snipes that he ended up getting convicted in federal court for tax evasion. (I'm sure there was some sort of cause/effect there though I'm not going to try to confirm this because I'll look stupid if there wasn't.) Oh, we also see Gary Oldman, a guy who long ago entered the, "I'll be in anything as long as the check clears," phase of his career. This is the pedigree with which the movie is working.

After this, the trailer goes in an incoherent phase where it starts throwing everything at us to see what sticks. We've got human faced dog, contorted old guys running bug-like across the floor, and an exorcism which, for some reason, had to held in a dark, atmospherically lit room instead of outdoors on a pleasant, sunny day. None of this matters since the evil demon kid had apparently reached all-powerful status.

Another nail in the movie's coffin is that it's coming out in January, the month where bad movies go to die. Releasing a movie in January is one step above a Direct-to-DVD release and it almost always means that the filmmakers said, "Screw it, release it in January and hope nobody notices."

Finally, we see the fifth of the trailer's five distinctly different plots where Casey does what all haunted girls do, roam around by herself in a spooky house and approach some creepy looking woman who is alone in a furniture-free room. Hopefully, this all has a happy ending leaving Casey free to take many public showers in the future.

I believe that I have made a concincing case that The Unborn will be a stupid, incoherent, gory mess which will be unwatchable even with sexy, naked girls in it. The thing about Movies I haven't Seen is that, so far, the movies have turned out to be even worse than I predicted. This means that there is a very real possibility that a rabid raccoon will break into each and every theater that is showing The Unborn and attack the face and genitals of each and every person who buys a ticket since that's the only thing that could make the experience of seeing this movie any worse. Fortunately, you have read this and will know to avoid any theater showing this movie which means you will be the envy of all your horribly disfigured friends who don't read this site.

You're welcome.

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