Friday, December 12, 2008

I've Been Cheated By You Since I Don't Know When

So you're thinking to yourself that you want the entire planet to think you're a total goob who wouldn't know quality if it gave you a handjob. You also want to accomplish this in the easiest way possible. I know if I wanted to people to think I was a complete goob, a total douche and congenitally brain damaged idiot, it would be nice if I didn't have to expend a great deal of effort in doing so. The question is: how would I do this?

Well, if you were a member of the Hollywood Foreign Press Association, you would give a Golden Globe Best Picture nomination to Mamma Mia (reviewed here back in July). Yes, that wonderful story about a stupid girl who stupidly comes up with the stupid idea to invite the three men who may be her father to her wedding without telling any of them why they were invited or bothering to inform her mother that they were coming. The movie's characters reacted to the insanity of this idea by going insane themselves and singing ABBA songs at the drop of a hat. The Foreign Press decided that this tribute to stupidity, madness and sheer boredom deserved to be nominated for Best Feature-Comedy or Musical category, one of approximately 47,000 Golden Globe categories* alongside actual, decent movies like In Bruges, the one that should win in that category but probably won't due to a noticeable lack of tone deaf actors** singing 30 year old songs. I see I never reviewed In Bruges but it's excellent and well worth a DVD rental. I must give props to the Foreign Press for recognizing it as a comedy despite its high level of criminal violence. Yes, I salute them but do not forgive them for nominating a movie about people who hop around singing ABBA songs while trying to figure out which guy's sperm won the Inseminate The Egg Lotto 20 years earlier.

An even greater insult to movie fans in particular and all that is good and holy in general is a movie that does not appear anywhere on the Golden Globes nomination list. This movie premiered the same week as Mamma Mia and contained a performance so good that people actually took the idea of a psychotic clown seriously. I would like to officially piss on all the respect I gave to the Foreign Press Association for recognizing that In Bruges was a comedy because they failed to recognize that The Dark Knight was more than a summer action flick. Even worse was the fact that they failed to recognize Heath Ledger's flawless and unforgettable work as The Joker.

So, there you have it, the best, fastest and easiest way to make sure that the world considers you to be a moron. To top this, next year they'll have to give a Lifetime Achievement award to Larry the Cable Guy. I wouldn't put it past them either.

*Even they don't know for sure anymore how many awards they give out. The Foreign Press Association's main reason for doing the Golden Globes is to get the American Press to stop calling them "Euro-weenies" for one day out of the year. The other reason is to get some of the hotter nominees to have sex with them, thus they give out as many awards as possible to the prettiest people on the planet.

**Okay, most of them were good singers. When I say "tone deaf actors" I'm specifically talking about a guy whose last name rhymes with Brosnan.

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