Right Wing Movie Reviews -- Watchmen

Periodically, I'm contacted by conservative blogger Gotterdamerung. It always involves some sort of perceived political sleight for which he demands space on this site for the purposes of balance. Lately, he's been busy writing for Big Hollywood (maybe you saw his column in which he courageously took the stand that Michael Moore is fat) so this must have really ticked him off. -- MC

Hi all, Gotterdamerung here. Watchmen is the perfect showcase for Hollywood Liberalism and its anti-American values. Frankly, Hollywood must think we're morons but then again, only a moron would have gone to see it. Watchmen is evil, vicious, depraved, disgusting and gluitinous. I don't even think that last one is a word but neither is Watchmen. Do you see my point?

I wonder how much money it took to corrupt poor Zach Snyder who previously directed 300, a movie that was both the greatest thing ever put onto the big screen and the perfect showcase for right wing values. That movie made it okay for guys like me who are 150% heterosexual to look at men with rippling muscles in loincloths and drool with lust. And no Liberals, I'm not talking about lust for the kind of filthy gay sex that you all love. I haven't wanted to do that since my parents sent me to that prayer camp. I'm talking about a sort of clean, wholesome American experience that can only happen between men who--oh, what's the point? Liberals and their militant gay homosexualism will never understand such a thing.

Watchmen is an attempt by Liberal filmmakers to take the history of our center-right country and rewrite it as some sort of silly leftist fantasy. The movie takes place in 1985 and it's wrong from the get-go. Oh, they thought they were so clever they way they got everything wrong on purpose. They really thought we wouldn't notice. For example, in the movie, Richard Nixon is still President. Well, guess what, Liberals! Richard Nixon wasn't President in 1985, Ronald Reagan was. I know because I looked it up on Wikipedia. This is the most disgusting attempt Liberals have ever made at trying to smear Reagan's legacy. They're actually trying to make us believe that Ronald Reagan was never President. The fact that they thought to use good ol' Dick Nixon shows exactly how crafty they are. I know I was distracted by the warm, comforting idea that the legacy of this great man was finally being given its due by Hollywood especially after cinematic atrocities like Frost/Nixon*. I can't express the level of outrage I felt when I realized the so called "history" that this movie was trying to pass off as fact.

Another issue I have is with the so called "heroes" in this so called "movie." First, their colorful, flamboyant, tight costumes are clearly another attempt at normalizing and mainstreaming radical, homosexual behavior. This is topped off by seeing Dr. Manhattan's perfect body completely naked. I challenge even the straightest man out there to admit that he didn't have at least a twinge of gay longing. Then you have the movie's most conservative character, Rorschach. He often rants against liberals and our sexually filthy culture in such a way that he ought to be given his own shows on talk radio and Fox News yet he's treated as a complete psychopath. To show that I was displeased about this, I "went John Galt" and only ate half of the large popcorn I purchased at the concession stand. I'm sure they got the message.

Just because the shameless whores and crack dealers of Hollywood deal this stuff out doesn't mean you have to buy their poison and infect your kids' minds with it. I'm not just worried about this movie. I'm also worried about the movies that even more disgusting and depraved movies that will be made a decade from now. Those movies will probably try to tell us that George W. Bush was a bad President, that his war in Iraq was unpopular, that the conservative economic policies of the Bush administration led the country to financial ruin, that Jack Bauer wasn't real and that Barack Obama was a Christian who wasn't born in Kenya. Hopefully by then, President Palin will be have been able to find a way to shut down Hollywood for good so that every movie will be made by the people who made Fireproof.

If not, G-d help us all.

*A movie I never saw but I think it made the claim that, during the entire course of the Nixon Presidency, there were killer frosts every day and all our crops died. Again, Wikipedia told me this wasn't true. Liberals and their lies are truly disgusting.