What Was I Talking About?

Hmm, something was on my mind Friday night but I'll be just ding dang darned if I can remember what it was. The weekend has just been so relaxing with some beautiful weather that I just kind of vegged out and am now lucky to remember my own name. I guess whatever I forgot couldn't have been too important. It's not like this is the first time I've forgotten something important, though. As they all, all of this has happened before...oh yeah, now I remember.

FUCK YOU!

The previous obscenity was not aimed at you, dear readers. I'm talking about Ron Moore, David Eick and any of the other scum sucking bags of syphilis who thought it was a good idea to end Battlestar Galactica the way they did on Friday. I have a rule about keeping cursing to a minimum so I must warn you that today will be the exception that proves that rule. Also, there will be several spoilers about everything from the final scene to what Adama had for lunch (fish and chips FUCK YOU and so it begins).

First off, the series finale of Battlestar Galactica was awesome. Huh? Did I just blow your mind? Good, now you know how I feel. I'm talking about the first hour of the two hour episode. In that, Admiral William Adama leads Galactica, which is about to fall apart, on a final mission to rescue the Human/Cylon hybrid child Hera from the Cylons who captured her so they could open her up and see how she worked. This involves an intense special effects sequence that BSG throughout its five year run didn't do that much of which is a shame because it was always very good when it did. The Galactica does a head on assault against the final Cylon fortress called the Colony. This, of course, is a distraction so the Cylons don't notice the Human extraction team coming up from their rear.

For the most part, the first hour was everything I would have wanted from BSG's final episode. The first hint of stupidity came with the fulfillment of a three year old dream shared by several of the crew members in which Gaius Baltar and the Cylon Number Six carry Hera into the Opera House of Kobol. It turned out they were actually carrying her onto the bridge of the Galactica. While artfully put together, it basically turned out to be one of your lamer prophecies since it was pretty much what they would have done anyway. What, were they not going to bring her back to the Galactica? Also, Galactica's bridge was a war zone at that point as the Cylons had breached and the predictable fire fight had broken out. Oddly, their dumb little dream had failed to foresee this. At this point, Baltar did what he does best: lay on a thick coat of bullshit to pacify the Cylons and at least briefly stop the fighting. It wasn't a bad scene but we'd been waiting years to find out the meaning of that dream and they'd been reminding us about it for several episodes so I just assumed it'd have more meaning than, "You know this thing you have no choice but to do? Do that."

Anyhoo, all is well and good at this point. Well, except for when the Cylons start shooting again and Galactica needs to make a quick getaway. This is when Kara Thrace steps in, punches in some coordinates into the hyperspace drive which, by the way, was some shit she derived from YET ANOTHER MOTHERFUCKING DREAM and they wind up near a blue-green planet, third from its yellow sun. Yep, they found Earth and not the nuked Earth that was a casualty of the last Human/Cylon War 2000 years ago. Rather, this turns out to be the planet we call Earth 150,000 years in our past. The last remnants of both the Human and Cylon races decide to simply settle down with the Neanderthal tribes they observe, leaving their technology behind and everything is gumdrops and rainbows after that. The End!

Yeah, that was the stupid piece of shit ending that's gotten me so riled. I mean, COME THE FUCK ON! First there was the observation they made when they found the Neanderthals. Without even examining one, someone said, "They're like us, we can breed with them." You know what Carl Sagan once said was the most unbelievable thing about Star Trek? It wasn't the time travel, the Faster-Than-Light spaceships or the fact that the sexiest women in the universe line up around the block for the privilege of sucking Kirk's cock. No, he said that the most unbelievable thing was the ability for two species that evolved on different planets to mate and have children. That hardly ever happens on this planet and when it does, the result is usually a sterile animal like the mule. Taking their word that they can, in fact, breed with them, what sort of explanation do they offer for how such an impossible situation could take place? Gosh Davey, do you think it might be...God?

Oh yeah, God. God pretty much Deus Ex Machinas the crap out of the whole final episode. How is it that Baltar and Six have been seeing ghostly images of themselves the whole series? God. How did Kara Thrace come back from the dead? God. There has always been some evidence that some sort of intelligence was guiding them along and they would say it was God but I honestly always thought they had something clever up their sleeves and that we'd get some sort of grand explanation as to why and how all this happened. This may sound strange, but I wanted something grander that just plain old God. Even Milton knew God was boring.

Oh yeah, Kara Motherfucking Thrace. To recap, last season she crashed her ship into an asteroid and she died only to miraculously reappear, intact ship and all, claiming to have found the way to Earth. When they found nuked, uninhabitable Earth, she even found the remains of her ship and her body. We've been wondering all season long what actually happened and what she really was, the prevailing theory being that her father was a Cylon and that she was brought back using an unknown Cylon resurrection device. Is that was happened? Fucked if I know. When we last saw her, she was with Lee Adama saying her work here was done and then POOF she was gone which means again this was all the work of The Guy In The Sky.

And what about their decision to just go native? Supposedly, all the remaining Humans and Cylons decide to "not bring their baggage" to this new world and just live simple, primitive existences. I see this lasting until the day someone thinks, "Hey, I'd love to watch my Blu-Ray copy of Hudson Hawk but there aren't any players or electricity to run them. Hows abouts we recreate those?" Not that it would be about something so shallow. No, it would be more like, "Hey, my teeth are rotting out of my head. Can't we redevelop dentistry and maybe tooth paste?" or, "My kid died of something that our modern medicine could have easily cured. Tell me again why it's a good idea we decided not to have hospitals?" Living in harmony with nature always sounds cool until you actually do it. That's when you realize why most of society ran right the fuck away from nature when the opportunity presented itself and thus we are all able to comfortably read this on our computers instead of through smoke signals. You're lucky because, if it had been smoke signals, I'd having publicly bitched through the smoke about how tired my arms were.

What was the upshot of the human decision to leave technology behind? It turns out that the decision to let Colonial civilization die out meant that, 150,000 years later, we're pretty much right back where we started as we see Angel Baltar and Angel Six walking down the street wondering if we were all going to blow ourselves up again and that, as usual, God wouldn't do shit to prevent it if we did.

Anyway, thanks for five pretty decent years, Battlestar Galactica. At your best, you were entertaining, fascinating and provocative. At your worst, you were...well, what I just described. Congratulations on joining the Pantheon of Shitty Series Finales. I hope that you, Seinfeld, The X-Files, Quantum Leap and Roseanne will be very happy together.