Threesome

There are three big releases coming out this Friday and I feel that they deserve some brief comment and analysis due to the fact that this is the only topic I could come up with. None of these have Tomatometer ratings yet so I have to go on my gut instinct, the same gut instinct that told me no one would want to go see Bride Wars, a movie which had a record opening for that week.

First up is Race To Witch Mountain. I hate making predictions based on nothing but my native instincts (see above reference to Bride Wars) but I'm willing to bet this will be a big hit. It's got Dwayne "Don't Call Me The Rock, A-Hole!" Johnson playing a cab driver who has to escort two alien kids back to their crashed spaceship for what are probably very good reasons though I don't know what they are. If an alien asked me to bring him back to his ship, I'd probably say yes without question knowing that there was a better than average chance that I'd wind up in some intergalactic zoo. It's a Disney film with a well known star in a market that currently has little to no competition, at least not where family films are concerned. Also, despite my recent complaints about remakes, it looks like it might be pretty good so sure, go ahead and bet your kid's college fund on this being the week's #1.

Up next we have another remake, Last House On The Left. I have no idea if this will be better or worse than the original since the original is a movie I have never been able to finish after I rented it several years ago. The plot, of the original anyway, involved two girls who get kidnapped by a gang of sadistic criminals who repeatedly rape and torture them, even forcing them to have sex with each other. What happened then? I have no idea. That was when I hit the STOP button on the VCR and returned the tape*. The only reason I rented it was because of an excellent review from Roger Ebert, a review he still stands by today in which he compared the film to the works of Sam Peckinpah and Ingmar Bergman. I see from the ads for the new film that killers at least met a certain type of justice and original director Wes Craven seems to give his seal of approval to this remake so, who knows? Maybe it'll be good. I doubt I'll see it so I won't know.

Finally, we have Miss March, a movie whose title you will have forgotten by this time next week. This looks like one of those dumb comedies that confuses the words "stupid" and "gross" with the word "funny". The plot involves...oh hell, who gives a damn?

So, there you have it. None of what I said may matter since it's quite possible everyone will just go and see Watchmen again. If that does happen, this counts as a prediction.

*Ask your parents what I mean when I talk about VCRs and tapes, kids.