Bangkok Danger-puss

This should be really easy to write since Bangkok Dangerous is very similar to last week's Babylon A.D. A highly competent underworld figure is hired to do a job that, due to his attraction to a hot girl, he finds he can't do so he shoots a lot of guys and blows a bunch of shit up. The biggest difference this week is that Bangkok Dangerous was actually dumber and more boring than B.A.D.

Nicolas Cage, who for some reason was made up in this movie to look like Dracula's servant Renfield, is a hitman known only as Joe who's been hired to kill four guys in Bangkok. It turns out that one night in Bangkok does not make a hard man humble. It actually takes about a month. Joe hires some sleazy street guy named Kong to act as a middle man between him and the people who hired him. We've been shown that this is his standard procedure, that and killing the middle man after his job is all done so at first you're thinking that you won't be seeing Kong in Bangkok Dangerous 2 but Joe, for no other reason than script convenience, grows to like Kong and starts teaching him how to brutally murder people for money. Joe also meets a pretty deaf-mute Thai pharmacist who makes him feel all funny "down there" which, apparently, is enough to get him to betray his hitman code and go to war against his employers.

I have never seen the 1999 Thai movie of the same name but I can't imagine it was as boring as this English language remake. Ah, there's that word again. Boring. I could have left out the whole plot synopsis and just used that one word. I figured it would pick up at the end when Joe had to raid the bad guys' evil fortress -- well, more like an evil warehouse filled with water jugs, EVIL water jugs, but it didn't. The only reason I bothered to stay awake was because I figured we'd get some of those crazy-as-they-are-cool Asian action scenes. You know, things like the hero setting monkeys on fire so that he can follow the flaming monkeys into some sort of bad guy stronghold. The villains are all, "Huh? What's the deal with the flaming monkeys?" while the hero pulls down their pants so that the flaming monkeys can crawl up their asses. You see the bad guys running around with flaming monkeys hanging out of their asses while the hero does whatever the hell it was he wanted to do there. You later see the hero with some girl he wants to bang watching as the bad guys burn to death while the monkeys, who managed to put themselves out, run away.

What did we get? Some exploding water jugs and, well, that's about it. We never even get some gratuitous sex scene between Joe and his deaf-mute girlfriend (who still should have seen his Renfield face and signed the words, "Must wash hair," when he asked her out).

Oh well, another 2 hours of my life wasted. In the end, Bangkok Dangerous isn't much between despair and ecstasy. One night of Bangkok Dangerous and the tough guys tumble. Can't be too careful with your company. I can feel the devil walking next to me.