2009 Oscar Predictions

I'm moving up the posting time a bit today in order to get in my Oscar predictions. I'm not really into Oscar predictions since I don't consider them to be especially important and, if I was any good at predicting anything, I'd make a fortune by betting on them. Still, the main topic of this site is movies so I guess I have to.

1. There will be at least three Angelina Jolie "I really love my brother" type moments in tonight's acceptance speeches. You know, something weird that they speak of matter-of-factly because they think it's perfectly normal. Mickey Rourke, if he wins, is the likeliest possibility for this, probably saying something along the lines of, "Wow, winning this is better than when I fart in a plastic bag then sniff it. AM I RIGHT PEOPLE?"
2. Unable to choose between Kate Winslet and Meryl Streep, the Academy will, without their knowledge, toss them into a Thunderdome type setup and let them fight it out. It's difficult to tell whether Streep's canniness and experience will be able to overcome Winslet's youth and superior stamina. I'm especially hoping they make chainsaws available to the actresses.
   
3. Hugh Jackman, unaware of the fact that rules against foul language are stricter here than they are in Australia, will begin cursing. Fortunately, his cursing will consist of Australian sayings like, "Up your duff, ya bloody poofta drongo!" so everyone will think it's charming.
4. Approximately 2000 jokes will be written, none of which will be funny. The only real laughs will be a Jack Black ad lib or an unintentionally funny musical number.
   
5. Some dumbass you've never heard of will win some lame award and will start droning on about some dead relative. This is an excellent time to go to the bathroom.
6. When the award for Best Documentary Short Film is announced, a considerable percentage of the audience will be heard muttering, "No fucking way. They actually give out an award for that? No motherfucking way."
   

And that's it. Can't wait till tomorrow to see how I did.