The Heat Is On

I don't suppose anyone but me remembers back in June when I wrote about plans to make a new sequel to Beverly Hills Cop. Oh, it was a thing of beauty, it was. I had read that the film's director, Brett Ratner, was planning to water down the sequel to get a PG rating and I really let him have it. I unleashed upon Brett Ratner and his stupid ideas the great vengeance and furious anger that they deserved and I imagine that he was so devastated that his testicles withdrew into his body and haven't been seen to this day. Well, I questioned his directing skills (the great vengeance) and pointed out that he had a history of making crappy sequels (the furious anger). That might have made the testicle thing happen if Brett Ratner is a total pussy. For the sake of this conversation, let's say he is.

Anyway, Brett Ratner can go ahead and let his balls drop. I take back everything I said because it turns out that the rumors I had heard about Beverly Hills Cop 4 were just that, rumors.

“It’s a hard R,” the director promised MTV News in an exclusive interview, rebutting web gossip that he’ll be helming a watered-down PG-13 reboot of the beloved action comedy franchise staring Eddie Murphy as foul-mouthed, wise-cracking Detroit cop Axel Foley.

It turns out the source of my outrage was a combination of internet gossip and out-of-context quotes and I probably owe Brett Ratner an apology. Well, he ain't getting it. In the tradition of douchebag know-nothing bloggers everywhere, I'm now simply going to drop all my incorrect statements down the memory hole and try to distract you all with something else. For example, this:

The new “BHC” script is being written by the team who penned last year’s “Wanted,” which is great news for the many fans of that hyperkinetic Angelina Jolie flick and a worrying sign for those who found the film derivative and hampered by galling plot holes.

Wanted? WANTED? The movie in which God literally took out contracts on people by stitching their names into a piece of divine linen? The movie in which the film's hero had a dead father then a live father then a dead one again? The movie that trained a guy to save the world by having him torture flies? That Wanted? The doofs who wrote that are actually going to be put in charge of one of the big screen's most iconic characters. Oh Lord, what has Your creation done to offend you so? If we had all gone to see that Kirk Cameron movie, could we have avoided this fate?

Please note that, if everything I just said is proven wrong six months from now, I will not admit fault then either but will at least strongly imply that all this happened because of Brett Ratner's sexual relationship with either an animal or his own mother. I haven't decided yet so you can all debate for the next several months about which one I will choose.