Big Hollywads

I would say, "This goes double for me," but double doesn't seem like enough. Those of you who don't subscribe to conservative movie site Big Hollywood's RSS feed didn't get the lovely present they left in Google Reader, that being their Oscars Liveblog split up into over 100 separate posts. Here's Pandagon's Oscars Liveblog I was reading during the presentation. Note how the whole thing fits handily into one convenient post thanks to a self refreshing Java applet. I'm assuming that the Big Hollywood bloggers were all probably doing this out of Andrew Breitbart's basement huddled around his decade old PC that still uses Windows 95. I can see you all yelling at each other, "Let me have the keyboard now, I want to call Sean Penn a commie." "No, I want to call him a terrorist." If my outrageous example is true, I apologize as such space age technology wasn't feasible but it still could have been done in 3-4 updated threads tops. Still, since you went to all the trouble to make sure all your comments were individually linked and more easily searchable, I can now present:

BIG HOLLYWADS -- THE NIGHT THE DORKS SALUTE THEMSELVES

One of the biggest surprises was when John McCain's daughter Meghan showed up to inform us all that she was eating cheesecake, had to tell her mom who Tim Gunn was, how cute Natalie Portman looked and that Pineapple Express should have won for Best Picture. Congratulations Meghan McCain. Yours were the most informative, coherent and intelligent comments of the entire night.

A more typical example came from Mike Long. Looking at his picture, many of you men almost certainly recognize Mike Long as the father of the girl you took to the Senior Prom. Hey Long, remember me? The guy who called you "Sir" and promised to make sure she stayed out of trouble? She snorted coke off my balls before we even got out of your driveway all the while yelling, "Kiss my ass, Daddy." Why am I being so hostile toward Mike Long? It's because he wrote stupid shit like this:

someone just won and his name appears to be POOPITY. I love that. POOPITY POOPITY POOPITY

He's talking about Resul Pookutty, one of the winners for Best Sound Mixing whose name sounded like "POOPITY" to Mike Long because be was too busy perfecting his "suck all the meat off the chicken wing in one bite" technique to bother paying attention to what was actually going on. Long thought it was funny to say that because he's a doofus with no sense of humor and a doofus with no sense of humor thinks that simply comparing a foreign name to poop is funny. Sadly, this is the funniest and least offensive joke he tried to tell. The most offensive came later when 5 previous Best Actress winners were presenting this year's award.

what’s with the stupid you-go-girl speeches, actress to actress? this is like some sort of support group where every chick ends up in sync with each other’s period…

If I have to explain why that's stupid, it's too late for you. I will say that Long also lacked the self awareness to realize that the same thing could be said about him and all the other men at Big Hollywood.

Moving on, we were also treated to the wit and wisdom of an actor whose IMDB profile is always good for a chuckle, Gary Graham. After Man on the Wire, a film about the man who walked a high wire between the World Trade Center's towers, won for Best Documentary, someone pointed out that no one mentioned that the World Trade Center wasn't there anymore. Graham jumped in to agree and then, in what I assume was an attempt to honor those who perished on 9/11, started masturbating:

Debbie — i agree 100% on the Magnificent Omission on the poignance of the Twin Towers no longer there. And why, I wonder…

And Moxie…and Meghan… Whoa! Is it just me, or are there hotter ladies on this site than at the Oscars??!

It's awesome how masterfully he blended those two subjects together. I'm sure Meghan McCain is very flattered by the idea that a washed up actor twice her age has a hard-on for her. I imagine we'll see Gary Graham internet chats like this again when he winds up being interviewed by Chris Hanson.

This brings us to a favorite of this site, mediocre comic and self styled Man's Man Steven Crowder who criticized Cuba Gooding Jr. for doing something Crowder has never seen happen before. He made an audience laugh.

I love how Cuba Gooding turns on his “Blackness” when it’s conveniant for jokes… Much like Oprah.

Crowder has apparently poured over thousands of hours of Cuba Gooding Jr. speaking in order to determine the timing and circumstances in which Gooding "turns on his Blackness" in order to render this expert opinion but let's say that what he says is true. Just imagine the nerve and audacity of Cuba Gooding using funny voices in order to get laughs. Why, some might actually call that the job of a professional, competent entertainer which is probably what threw off Steven Crowder. In Crowder's defense, in his stand up act, he waits a respectable 38 seconds before doing his own attempts at funny voices. Crowder was also another guy who let Meghan McCain know that she made him feel funny down there which goes a long way toward explaining why she left early.

Next up, we have everyone's favorite paranoid racist incoherent ranting bitch, Debbie Schlussel. When A.R. Rahman, a man whose musical skills are recognized and revered all around the globe, won an Oscar for his Slumdog Millionaire score, which part of his acceptance speech do you suppose she zeroed in on?

So Muslim music dude A. R. Rahman said, "Allahu Akbar," upon winning the first of two Oscars he’s won so far. He says it means, "god is great." Uh, no. It means, "allah is the greater" or "allah is the greatest," meaning greater than your and my G-d or the greatest above your or my G-d. And that’s part of my tiny objection to "Slumdog Millionaire," which I loved. It shows us the scene of a brutal massacre of Muslims by Hindus. It’s the same problem we see on a much smaller scale with regard to Oscar nominee, "Waltz with Bashir ." They don’t show the plethora of Muslim massacres and violence against Hindus and Sikhs and Christians in India.

Yes, you read it right. Debbie Schlussel seems to think there should be some sort of cinematic affirmative action when it comes to portrayals of ethnic cleansing. If a movie is ever made about Serbian dictator Slobodan Milosevic and his mass murder of Muslims in the 90s, expect Debbie Schlussel to write, "Why didn't they show the time a Muslim scuffed Milosevic's shoe?" Also, I have no idea if Allahu Akbar means "God is Great," "Allah Is Greater," or, "Buddha is The Mostest," but I'm willing to bet that neither does Debbie Schlussel. Please keep in mind that this is a woman who, in the movie Taken, heard Alabanians speaking the Albanian language and declared that, since they were evildoers, they must be Arabs speaking Arabic. I'll take the word of the guy who actually speaks that language over the word of a crazy woman who probably thinks someone is plotting a suicide bombing if she hears them speaking Pig Latin.

And finally, we have Ben Shapiro, a fellow who has never known the touch of a woman save for the ones he keeps in his basement to whom he says, "It puts the lotion on its skin." Ben the answer to your question is: Yes, Asshole, it's just you.