Steve-No

I almost skipped my Big Hollywood post this week, mainly because they've been boring the ever loving crap out of me. I love Big Hollywood for the unintentional laughter they give me when they try to measure everything in show business against how it helps or hurts the conservative agenda. I want to see them do stuff like compare Jason Voorhees to Hamas (you know, cause he always comes back just when you think he's been beaten). I want to see Debbie Schlussel being 1000% wrong in her claims of having spotted Muslims or Dirk Benedict showing us all that there's nothing you can write that Big Hollywood will reject. Hell, where's Tim Slagle, the guy who actually wrote to thank me for calling him a brain damaged douchebag (that's how I remember it), writing long articles about things he claims to care nothing about? Basically, Big Hollywood is devolving into just another right wing blog. Some days, if you hacked into their server and replaced the words "Big Hollywood" with "Townhall" or "Renew America", no one would notice the difference. However, in the past 48 hours, God took a break from all those wars and diseases He has to handle and gave me some glimmers of hope that all is not lost and that, soon, they'll go back to bitching about how they couldn't buy a Big Mac in a Hollywood McDonalds because the manager there won't serve conservatives.

Today, we have a favorite of this site, Steven Crowder, a comedian who makes Dane Cook look like Lenny Bruce. In his latest BH contribution, he waits two whole sentences before he tells a provable lie.

Yeah … I said it. Like many of you, I don’t completely subscribe to or submit myself to the doctrine of either political party.

Now, you can get away with writing something like that if you are known for often stating things like, "I believe that government should take a broad, active role in the lives of Americans but I also think that tax cuts increase revenues." However, when you are a regular contributor to a right wing blog and in your writing you criticize abortion, universal health care and the existence of global warming while also making sure to say that you don't think Obama voters are true Christians then you ARE a Republican. Your denial of that has as much credibility as Larry Craig's denial that he's gay. Face it, you got caught in an airport bathroom tapping your foot to the GOP in the next stall and now your standing up in front of the media saying it was perfectly innocent while your wife, Independence From Party Affiliation, stands quietly next to you with a dour expression on her face.

Crowder criticizes the media for making stuff up about Sarah Palin.

People were actually walking around parroting a line hand-fed to them by Tina Fey herself, completely unaware that Mrs Palin said nothing of the sort.

“I can see Russia from my house.” I’ll admit that it’s a funny line… It’s a comedic premise funnier than anything produced from the Republicans these days (Dennis Miller not withstanding), but a highly inaccurate depiction of what Sarah Palin said.

To which I say: WELCOME TO MY WORLD, ASSHOLE! For the last decade, I've had to watch an endless number of clueless reporters and douchebag pundits march across my TV screen to declare that Al Gore claimed to have invented the internet, something he never said. Also, Sarah Palin never used those words but she did defend the idea that Russia's proximity to Alaska counted as foreign policy experience whereas Al Gore never once claimed, "No, really, I was the first one to put pictures of my cats on a web page."

From here, Crowder moves into a discussion about using comedy to advance the conservative agenda. There are two perfect examples of how that works out. One is The Half Hour News Hour, Fox News' attempt at ripping off The Daily Show. They did everything they thought they were supposed to do: made fun of Obama, had Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter do guest appearances and called the ACLU a group of pedophiles and yet they still couldn't get an audience to watch it on the biggest right wing television network on the planet. The reason they failed and Jon Stewart succeeds is because, to them, comedy came second to advancing the agenda whereas it's the opposite for Stewart. The other big example is An American Carol, a massive black hole of comedy that I've spent more than a little bit of time writing about.

Crowder plays us out by encouraging his fellow Republicans to use something called "The Internet":

Conservatives (young and old) need to get out there and make themselves known. Start a Facebook group, post some conservative MySpace bulletins, create some YouTube videos!

I've also heard about something called "Flamewars on Usenet". Maybe conservatives could do that. If it wasn't that I'd actually seen Steven Crowder trying to be funny, I'd assume this was some sort of joke but it lacks his trademark misogyny and impressions of gay people. It's actually all the rage these days amongst Republicans to talk as if the reason we don't have President McCain and a Republican Congress is because, on Election Day, no one on the Right bothered to post, "Vote Republican," on their Twitter feeds. I can see 50 year old Republican operatives getting together and saying, "Maybe we ought to use this Intertube whachamajig," but a 21 year old? Maybe he's not really 21 and that picture of the young guy with the artfully moussed hair on his profile is what he uses to pick up high school seniors online. That would explain why he wrote this:

“Comedy is a rubber tipped sword, allowing you to make a point without drawing blood…” Truer words were never spoken. Who said them, you ask? I can’t remember… Some broad.

Some broad? Wow, kids these days with their wacky slang.