What you are about to read is quite possibly the most pointless thing ever written. Not only are you reading my review of Friday the 13th several days after it officially became a big hit but you probably already know everything you need to know about it, including whether or not you are the kind of person who would want to see this movie. I'm not the kind of person who really wanted to see it, an odd admission from someone who is now writing a review of it. Why did I go see it? Hell, I don't know. It was there? I go see movies. This is a movie. Also, I had a free ticket.
Do I really have to discuss the plot? It's not like you all don't already know it. I have nothing else to do so I may as well. Twenty years ago, some little goob named Jason Voorhees went and got himself drowned at good ol' Camp Crystal Lake. His mom, a homicidal maniac, went around manically homiciding the camp counselors in return for that until one of them cut off her head. But wouldn't you know, Jason was actually alive somehow, or maybe he was a zombie or maybe it just doesn't freaking matter because little Jason went on to outfit himself in whatever filthy rags and hockey mask he happened to have laying around and went into the family business of killing anyone who wasn't him.
His victims are the same victims he's been killing since the 80s. Good looking college kids happen to wander into his killing grounds. The guys tend to be major league douchebags and the girls are all horny sex bombs who are turned on by major league douchebags, hate keeping their breasts covered and apparently have a life's goal of having as much semen spilled into their various orifices as time will allow. Despite their shallowness, the girls are always much more perceptive than the guys and often say things like, "Steve, maybe we should get out of here," when they stumble into some dark, spooky place that looks and smells like it may just be inhabited by a guy who kills people for no particular reason.
Why does he kill people? This movie doesn't try to break new ground by answering the question people have been asking for a quarter century. The only thing this movie does differently from every other Friday the 13th movie is that it has a few barely recognizable actors and one small plot twist that I actually saw coming before we saw the movie's title card. I can't tell you what it is since it constitutes the only thing in the movie that can be even vaguely defined as a spoiler but it doesn't really matter since I could put the script online right now and it wouldn't affect the way you feel about the movie one bit.
The movie boils down to this: the almost unstoppable Jason kills the douchebags for the crime of being douchy and the hot chicks for the crime of being hot until some final chase scene through mines and a dark forest (in which, apparently, 500 watt klieg lights grow on the trees instead of leaves) where people scream and run and trip at inopportune moments while Jason moves at a leisurely, comfortable pace while he chases them. What happens then? It doesn't matter if you don't know. You can find out next year around this time when the sequel comes out. Oh, if, by chance, you just emerged from a Mohole shaft, had never heard of this or any other movie with a similar title and have decided to go see it because of me, please don't write to thank me for the tip.
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