Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Harry Potter and the Deadly Knitting Patterns

This is turning into a busy week for me. Originally, I was just going to skip today altogether but, being the awesome guy I am, I can find the time to give you a little something.

I just wanted to comment on a review of Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince written by Big Hollywood's editor-in-chief John Nolte. He didn't like it. In fact, he's not a fan of the Harry Potter series. I suspect the reason he doesn't like Harry Potter is because he's a right wing extremist and people of that stripe think Harry Potter does the devil's work since the Potter books are religiously neutral and only Jesus could possibly fly on a broom and catch the golden snitch. Still, if that is the case, he's smart enough to know that he would look like an idiot if he came out and said all that and deserves credit for that bit of awareness. On the other hand, his awareness fails him when he expresses his shock and bewilderment at the idea that the movie may have exposed him to something gay.
There’s one truly odd moment worth mentioning. Recently, a ton of publicity surrounded Rowling’s announcement that her literary creation, Head Master Dumbledore, is gay. And yet in one of the film’s early scenes Dumbledore asks to borrow a girlie magazine using the pretense (or not) that he loves to look at the knitting patterns.

What’s that supposed to be about?

But that of course is the pitfall you set up for your creation when, in a fit of self-importance, you choose to politicize it. What might have been an otherwise funny, human character bit turns into something bigger and now we’re taken out of the moment trying to figure out where it all fits in the culture war.
No, John, we weren't taken out of the moment. Those of us who don't spend our every waking moment worrying about the homosexuals hiding under our beds and whispering the lyrics to "It's Raining Men" in our ears as we sleep didn't even notice it.

Still, I suppose the jig is up and it's time to confess. Yes John, the scene was inserted into the movie as an attempt by the Radical Homosexual Agenda to convert and recruit the world's population. I can tell you this because it's already too late. Your worst fears have already been realized. Once you saw that scene, John, you became gay. Oh, you've probably dismissed all the signs so far but you won't be able to for much longer. Soon, you'll find yourself buying the complete Sex and the City collection and saying things like, "Oh Samantha, you are such a sassy bitch." From there, you will start dressing more flamboyantly and moussing what's left of your hair. After that, you'll divorce your wife and move in with your "companion" Rob.

It's too late for John Nolte but it may not be too late for the rest of you. Stay away from Harry Potter! Don't read the books, don't watch the movies, don't eat fluffernutter sandwiches from a Harry Potter lunchbox. Remember, they're here! The gays are here! They're all around you! Keep watching the skies...for rainbows. When you see one, it means nature itself has turned gay.

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