The Bored of Avon

I was studying Shakespeare recently and I realized something that no one else seems to have figured out. He really, really sucks. Seriously, why am I the only one who has noticed this? Well, I assume I won't be the only one after I inform the world.

First off, what's the freaking deal with Hamlet? He wants to kill his uncle/dad but won't cause it'll upset his aunt/mom so he sits around with his thumb up his butt whining and looking morose while his girlfriend goes nuts and everybody dies. Fun. Why not have everyone catch the plague while you're at it? Soap opera plots where a guy dies but he didn't really die and he lost his memory so he marries another woman then gets his memory back but he needs a kidney so his identical twin he never knew about shows up and it was really him who married the other woman are more believable than anything Hamlet did.

That brings us to Romeo and Juliet. Thanks heaps Will Shakespeare for depressing the crap out of us for the last 400 years. This was supposed to be romantic? Bella and Edward didn't kill themselves as the end of Twilight and that movie made three times what that Romeo and Juliet movie with Leo DiCaprio did. That tell you anything, Willie? Audiences love happy endings. If I was writing that, I'd have had them both be trapped in some tower and then hang glide right out of Verona while their families gritted their teeth both at the sight of their kids escaping and the cheering crowd below yelling, "You go, RoJu!" There was one accurate moment in the play. The morning after Romeo nails Juliet, he goes strolling through the city and runs into his A-hole enemy, Tybalt. Still feeling good from whatever sex hormones are running through his blood, he tries to ignore him and his best friend dies as a result. I feel for you, Romeo. We've all done stupid things because of sex. For instance, I once told a girl I'd slept with that I'd help her move. What a waste of a Saturday that was.

Finally, I want to talk about Julius Caesar. What a load of crap that play is. First, Shakespeare tells us all we should listen to the old crazy guy in the street eating garbage and sitting in a pool of his own urine. When the guy said to Caesar, "Beware the Ides of March," and Caesar ignored it, what did he expect? I'm sure Caesar was thinking the same thing I was, namely, "What the hell is an Ide?" The guy should consider himself lucky Caesar was in a good mood and didn't put his head on a pike or something. And what was the damn deal with the murder? Julius Caesar, the guy who conquered most of the known world, is just going to walk into a group of knife wielding Senators? I don't know who Shakespeare thought he was fooling as something like that would never happen in real life.

Wow, all that and I didn't even deal with Shakespeare's so-called "comedies". Take A Midsummer Night's Dream for example. A guy goes off into the woods, plays with some fairies and wakes up with the head of a donkey. Ha ha! All About Steve had more laughs.