Friday, September 4, 2009

Larry King, R.I.P.

Sad news indeed.

NEW YORK CITY -- America was saddened yesterday to hear that one if its most beloved celebrities, journalist and CNN interviewer Larry King, died unexpectedly at the age of 75. Mr. King was known for his kindness and gentle wit and his pleasant and inoffensive style as an interviewer made him a favorite both among his viewers and the people who came on his show.

Though exact circumstances were unclear, it appears Mr. King died by being stomped to death by a horse with whom he was trying to have sex. A spokesman for the local police department stated that Mr. King's nude, bloody corpse was found at approximately 4 a.m. by a stablehand in the stall of a Clydesdale filly named Snobelle at a horse farm near Mr. King's home. Mr. King had apparently bribed one of the other stablehands to allow him onto the property and, in the stablehand's words, "Make sure he and Snobelle weren't disturbed."

When presented with skepticism over whether Mr. King had actually tried to have intercourse with the horse, State Police spokesman Harold Deever replied, "In addition to Mr. King's state of undress, there were scented candles burning and Peter Gabriel's 'In Your Eyes' was playing on a loop on Mr. King's Ipod. Also, various lubricants often associated with sexual intercourse were found smeared on Mr. King's body. There's really very little doubt as to what he was there to do."

At press time, Mr. King's family could not be reached for comment.
I wasn't a huge fan of Larry King but I'm saddened to hear about this. I'm trying to get past the perverse circumstances of his death and concentrate on the man and his accomplishments. I'm going to concentrate on the all the good that Larry King did in his life and not on the fact that his life ended because he tried to molest a horse. Really, who the hell are we to judge this man? Sure, he was trying to screw a horse but I could stand to lose a few pounds. I know I wouldn't like it if my obituary read, "Mike Clear dies 20 pounds overweight," so I can't see as how Larry King would appreciate all the, "Horsefucker Larry King stomped to death," headlines. I call upon all my readers to focus on the positive aspects of Mr. King's life like his years in broadcasting and how he was a good father to his children and not on the fact that he died while trying to shove his penis into the vagina of a horse.

Larry, we'll miss you. Here's hoping there are 72 virgin horses waiting for you in the next life.

No comments: