Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Dolphins: Threat or Menace?

I was watching a shark documentary on Discovery over the weekend. It may not have actually been Discovery since everyone does shark documentaries these days. Anyway, I was watching a show about sharks on Discovery or maybe the Food Network and it was talking about a family who was saved from a shark attack by dolphins. It cut back and forth between recreated action and scientists dryly droning on about how dolphins are really smart and this makes them nice and how the dolphins risked their own lives to save the humans from the sharks so this must mean that dolphins could someday become CEO of Goldman Sachs and totally clean up that company or something. I, however, drew a different conclusion.

Am I the only one who think that, when dolphins do something like that, their intention is not to selflessly assist the poor humans but rather because they want the humans for themselves? Hear me out.

Let's start with the story I was talking about. You might think this was not evidence that dolphins are, in fact, saving us from sharks in order to be turned into meals for themselves BUT as the documentary itself said, dolphins are really smart. There were lots of people watching and taking pictures. Had they ripped the poor, defenseless humans apart and feasted on their organs then, there would have been too many witnesses and by God, the dolphins KNEW that.

In fact, what if sharks never actually attack humans. Sure, there are recorded shark attacks but maybe the dolphins are framing them. They certainly have the brain power to do that. In the bloody water, all you see is the dorsal fin and you just assume it's a shark. If you see a dolphin, witnesses will yell, "Hey look, that dolphin is trying to save the guy being eaten by sharks." Not only do the dolphins get a nice meal but they also get their reputation as "Lassie of the oceans" enhanced.

The guy who took this picture was never seen again.

So be afraid when you enter the ocean. Don't trust the dolphin-centric media when they say that we should all jump into the deep blue sea and give our bottle nosed brethren a tight hug and sloppy wet kiss. For all we know, they're in on it. And hey, you think you're safe if you live far away from the ocean? Yeah, safe, okay. Do you live anywhere near running water or a sewer system? Do you really think such brilliant animals couldn't figure out a way to jump out of the sewer, slither into your home and take out your whole family? If that is possible then it's probably happening right now!!!!

Beware! Keep watching the skies, or whatever the hell you'd watch when watching for dolphins. Oh, the oceans. Yeah, them.

1 comment:

Michael Clear said...

I want to do straight out humor pieces like this more often, just trying to decide if I want to flat out change the show biz theme of this site or start a separate site for them. It'll probably be the first one.