Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Equal Parts Biting And Sucking

If you ever thought that Twilight should have been stretched out to 24 hours a year for the next several years, you're in luck. There's now a show for you on the CW called The Vampire Diaries. It has a guy who resembles Edward, a girl who resembles Bella and a villain who, while not looking like Twilight's douchebag villain James, does look like a douchebag.

It opens with a narration from the show's vampire hero Stefan. Narration always makes me cringe as it's almost always stupid and unnecessary. Don't take my word for it. Read just about any book on screenwriting. They'll tell you that having a narrator isn't a good idea and that you can only get away with having a narrator if you're a writing talent on par with Woody Allen. As the episode I saw didn't have Woody Allen's name in the credits, this was a really bad idea. Oh, but it doesn't stop there. See, The Vampire Diaries decided to double down on the stupid and have TWO GOD DAMN NARRATORS. Stefan and his human love interest Bell...I mean, Elena both read from these dumb little diaries they keep. Stefan mostly makes morose comments about how he wants to know Elena because she looks like some dead chick he knew in the Civil War and Elena goes on about how she's depressed over the death of her parents so, as you can see, this show will be Fun with a capital F and, most likely, a capital U.

Stefan shows up as a student at Elena's school one day. He quickly gains attention from all the girls who like cute, clinically depressed guys. Oddly, no one seems to wonder why a guy who looks 25 is still in high school. The two meet after Elena chases her drug addled brother into the men's room to tell him that Drugs Ain't Cool and that the best way to deal with the death of their parents is to write insipid comments into a diary.

Later on, Stefan takes Elena to a party in the woods where a girl gets attacked by an "animal" who turns out to be the aforementioned evil douchebag vampire named Damon. He's one of these, "Humans are nothing but cattle," types who chastises Stefan for hanging out with humans when he should be eating them. Damon and Stefan don't seem to like each other for reasons, as far as I can tell, are stupid.

And, well, that's about it. Very little actually happened in the pilot episode. I had difficulty even remembering as much as I wrote down and actually had to skim back through it. This was very dull television and I'm amazed that anyone thought that this snoozefest should have been used to make a good first impression of the show, especially since vampire/human hookups are so popular these days. In fact, I will now give The Vampire Diaries the worst insult I can think of. I really hate Twilight. Twilight has become one of those movies I grow to hate more and more. Saying that, I'd rather be strapped to a chair Clockwork Orange-style and forced to watch Twilight again and again before I'd want to rewatch the pilot episode of Vampire Diaries.

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