All I Want For Christmas

First off, I want a crapload more than just my two front teeth. I have those already and, if they did fall out, insurance would cover them so I'm good in the "two front teeth" area. Since I supply you all with free entertainment year round, I'm sure you all want to break open those piggy banks and shower me with expensive gifts but can't thanks to the economy. You need not worry, though. Today I will supply you all with a wish list with items that you can easily afford.

1. An iPhone. Okay, that's kind of expensive so make that anything I can speak into that accesses the web, plays music, records video that also lets me make phone calls with a little logo on it that looks like fruit. Oh, and is inexpensive.
2. Peace on Earth, goodwill toward men. (Please note that I have a plan to get both of those but it involves me having an iPhone.)
3. A complete collection of the Harry Potter books. Note: to be "complete" it must contain the fanfic I wrote where Harry teams up with Buffy, CSI, Wonder Woman and that "Can you hear me now?" guy from the Verizon commercials to battle the team of Lord Voldemort and Emperor Palpatine.
4. A Five Guys cheeseburger with A-1 and mustard. Seriously, those things are like crack to me.
5. A law banning parody films like Meet The Spartans and Epic Movie. We're up to about four of those a year now and they all suck, mainly because they all have the same jokes, none of which are funny.
6. More shows about acerbic anti-social geniuses who solve mysteries. How could that premise ever get old?
7. Something that rhymes Hi Phone.
8. I want parachute pants to come back in style. I have a whole closet full of them and can't wear them anywhere. Why hasn't some retro 80s fascination started that made those hot again?
   
9. I want to be friends with John Stamos. He doesn't have a huge career right now and would probably like to have me as his friend. Make it happen.
10. My two front tee...Bah, never mind.