Friday, December 4, 2009

An Open Letter To Kate Beckinsale

Dear Kate,

Can I call you Kate? I'm sure I can. You seem like a nice person. Your character in Whiteout was nice so that means you must be nice in real life, right? Heck, even when you played a vampire it was a nice vampire who would probably let me call her Kate except Kate wasn't her name so she would look at me like I was crazy if I did that. Still, you see what I mean.

So Kate, you're probably wondering why I wanted to talk with you. I have a proposition that I think could be mutually beneficial. I'd like you to accompany me to a showing of Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel. I know you think I'm either joking or insane but hear me out.

I write movie reviews so I end up seeing most major releases even if I think they're going to blow. However, there's no damn way I'm ever going to be caught dead in a theater if a movie has words like "The Squeakquel" in the title or whose poster has a tagline like "Get Munked". I would, however, go if you were my escort. That way, whenever something stupid happened, I could look over to you and say, "Wow, Kate Beckinsale, that sure was stupid," or, "Wow, I'm actually out with Kate Beckinsale at this stupid movie."

Here's you laughing at an insanely clever observation I just made about the movie.
How can you possibly turn this down?

At this point you're thinking, "What's in this for me, the awesome Kate Beckinsale?" You have kids whose young, innocent minds would actually think Squeakquelising or Getting Munked is a good idea and will almost certainly want to see this movie. They'll nag and cry and scream that whether you take them to this movie or not is the ultimate test of your maternal love. Good luck getting even your husband to go with you too. What sane individual would want see some dumb movie about squeaky voiced rodents even if it was with you? THIS GUY, that's who.

This is a win/win for both of us. In fact, I think you're the one who's coming out ahead in this deal which gives me the confidence to add a few conditions.
  1. You must make out with me for at least 60% of the movie. I won't demand to touch boob or anything though I'm not taking it off the table.
  2. As we're leaving the theater, you must loudly say, "I got plans for you, stallion." That's ambiguous enough to give you plausible deniability in case any tabloids report on it. Again, you don't actually have to do anything though if something happened naturally, well, we're both adults, if you get my meaning.
  3. You must dress like this:
Hopefully you held onto this though I'm sure
there are costume shops who would rent you one.

These terms can be negotiated (you could wear less, for instance) but I get the feeling this is a done deal and look forward to having a good time Squeakeling with you.

Note: if you choose not to do this, I'll tell people it's because you're a lesbian. I apologize in advance.

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