Top 5 Conservative Porn Films

Hello. I'm too busy for original thinking today so, until tomorrow, please enjoy this repost of something from February 16, 2009. This has received more hits than anything I've ever done here which means it's either really good or people are accessing it so they can shoot out their monitors. Either way, I'll take the hits.

Once again, I've been contacted by Gotterdamerung, one of the country's top right wing bloggers who often posts here to "bring balance" to my work. Today, however, he is presenting a companion piece to National Review's recent compilation of the 25 Most Conservative Movies. He's asked to post it here before he cross-posts it to Big Hollywood so, here you go. -- MC

Hi all, Gotterdamerung here. I'm sure you've all been enjoying National Review Online's recent attempt to name the Top 25 Most Conservative Movies. Naturally, the Liberal MSM is giving far more attention to the upcoming Pro-Jihadist event known as the Academy Awards than to this but then, what else have we come to expect from them? All that aside, I felt that NRO's list, wonderful though it may be, was ignoring a significant part of the conservative movie viewing experience and yes, I'm talking about pornography. I know that porn is evil and makes Baby Jesus cry but it's a sad truth that, since Obama was elected President, it's become very popular. We on the Right would be foolish not to fully embrace this medium as a tool with which we can advance our agenda, increase our power and, eventually and ironically, legislate out of existence the very thing that brought about our ascendance. I went ahead and made the sacrifice of watching literally thousands of porn films and now present to you what, in my humble opinion, are the five best pornographic showcases of conservative beliefs.

5. Three-Hump-Dred: Just like the Zack Snyder blockbuster for which it was named, this movie chronicles the true-life events of King Leonidas and his army of 300 Spartans battling the much larger Persian army at the Battle of Thermopylae. This version, however, is hardcore all-male action in which the Spartans do not use weapons but, instead, attempt to fuck the Persians to death. The movie's climactic scene (in more ways than one) is a final encounter between Leonidas (played brilliantly by actor Dack Hammer) and the Persian Emperor Xerxes who, while definitely being bigger than Leonidas in every way, lacks the Spartan King's skill and stamina. In the end, the sheer numbers of the Persian Army leave the Spartans too drained and spent to go on. While technically a defeat, their sacrifice will never be forgotten. This movie does teach us all the lesson that we should stand up to our enemies and that's good. My only real problem with it is that, instead of Persians, the movie's villains should have been Iranians.

4. Night of the Living Dicks: A town which consists of nothing but men has to deal with some sort of disease which causes the dead to return as zombies with an insatiable appetite for gay sex. This movie serves as a searing indictment of the militant homosexual culture as many of the living actually choose to allow themselves to be molested by zombies instead of just running away. That's right, they chose to be gay. Also, the zombie cure created at the end proves once and for all that even gays realize homosexuality is something that can be reversed even though all the former zombies celebrated their newfound life by having a massive gay orgy.

3. The Chronicles of Bonia: Hardcore sexual content aside, this movie serves as an excellent example of conservative values. The mythical land of Bonia lives under the grip the White Bitch (porn actress Sierra Cherry) who orders all her subjects to have nothing but boring missionary-position sex. Her enemy, Aslan (not a lion here but instead a very well endowed black man played by well known porn star Chocolate Thunder) brings a family of 4 from Earth to go forth and teach the Bonians the wonders of oral and butt sex. The Bonians' choice of Aslan's superior sexual pleasures causes them to rebel against the White Bitch, a stellar example of the power of competition and the free market.

2. Everyone Loves Bush: From the title, I thought this would be a documentary that finally dared to tell the truth about the wondrous achievements of the Bush administration. Instead, this movie with an all-female cast turned out to be...well, not that. Still, the title itself can go a long way toward cementing the former President's legacy as one of our greatest leaders and that alone puts it at #2 on the list.

1. Best Upskirt Videos: This collection of short films made by guys who surreptitiously stick hidden cameras up the skirts of unsuspecting girls serves as a devastating expose of the dangers of feminism and female sexual self-expression. Had these girls been dressed more modestly in floor length skirts instead of slutty mini-dresses then the brave men who took these shots would not have felt forced to expose their undergarments (or lack thereof) to the world. I, for one, commend the filmmakers, Jizz Spiller Studios, for the service they have performed in exposing these unsuspecting girls as the floozies they are. The fact that Best Upskirt Videos did not receive a Best Documentary nomination this year, to me, is a greater insult than the much better known snub of The Dark Knight.